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Dealing with separation from children

MesssedupContributor09 Apr 2024, 10:55 pm AEST

Dealing with separation from children

I separated for the 2nd time this year after too many disappointments and a list of too many things to get into here.

I left. I left jobs X 2, 12 yo daughter, my home and everything and moved interstate.

My son left home to go to uni.

I could only find a 2 bedroom house to live in with my other son 15 you needed to move more than my daughter did.

I just had my girl for school holidays and now she is due to go home. We are struggling with the separation big time.

My son says if she moves in he will move back to Dad. I can't choose. I want them both.

They have a great Dad and love him heaps and don't want to leave him by himself.

This puts me in such a bad position. The guilt is ridiculous. I feel like a complete failure all the time and like I'm not fighting hard enough.

I needed to find my feet again and I am but...I feel so judged and so guilty and like such a bad mom for leaving what was a dysfunctional marriage.

I moved far away this time, not to be far away but to be near my home and the people who I know have my back. My friends. This is my home town. I needed and need support for me. I had nothing up there and nobody. Nobody back there where I was for the last 20 years has checked on me or called to say hi since I left. I was uncared for.

I know I did the right thing in leaving but I can't shake the fking up my kids feeling.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so sad and anxious for my daughter.

3 replies

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In response to: Dealing with separation from children

FriendlyflutterSenior Contributor10 Apr 2024, 12:00 am AEST

Re: Dealing with separation from children

Hi @Messsedup

Leaving marriage is a huge step and requires courage to be able to chose yourself and say no to a dysfunctional marriage.

So good to hear that you have moved to a place where you have supports around you. ❤️

In response to: Dealing with separation from children

PeppyPattiSenior Contributor10 Apr 2024, 1:34 am AEST

Re: Dealing with separation from children

Dear @Messsedup

Your message feels that you are actually looking into the future of having good support around you which is the best thing you can do.

I wonder that instead of counting your wrongs on all of your fingers and toes you can turn it around to sitting with your daughter - with love- and tell her that in the future you will be a better mum for her.

Many, many parents forget to tell their pre-teens the truth and their children suffer.

They really suffer.

Wouldn't you rather have a daughter where you set up a phone/Skype roster with for. For even maybe up to a couple of years and then, maybe then you will be stronger and you can have her full-time ?

Over 15 years ago, my mum decided to get on the phone to arrange for my oldest son to live with my oldest brother. That was the best thing for my son at that time but there was one thing she forgot and that was involving me in her plans. It took years and years for my oldest son to forgive me. He complained about me to my brother and his wife - he was 15 years old when he left - today, my brother and his wife hold a lot of contempt to me. They refuse to acknowledge my feelings of what happened. Not that I care anymore but what is sad is that they refuse to acknowledge I'm a living breathing human being. And a mother. And I was an okay mum. I was good enough yet I did make mistakes.

I cherish my little girl in my heart. I talk to her most nights and place her lovingly back in my heart. I need to care for me because my immediate family didn't give me that.

I feel that you actually have got control in your hands to turn this around to good.

I believe in you.

I know you can do this,

In response to: Dealing with separation from children

8ppleTreeSenior Contributor10 Apr 2024, 10:48 am AEST

Re: Dealing with separation from children

Hi @Messsedup

You made a choice to be strong. Both your children can respect that as they grow. Do not be ashamed. You love your children. Let them choose. Guide them, but let them choose.

I also come from a split family. Just knowing I was loved and that doors were open, that there was no fighting would have been great.

Hope you are all ok as you move forwards x

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