JustWhelmedSenior Contributor
Self Care vs Selfish
Hi all. I am enrolled with SANE to get help for me to manage my family; my husband has CPTSD, AuADHD, both his kids are autistic, living part time with their mother who doesn't parent them. I also have two kiddos, who are pretty chillax and also live part time with their dad who is a great parent for the most part. The counselling I have had so far has been SO helpful!
I struggle a lot keeping everything going as it's on me to run the household, make sure my step sons eat semi-healthy food, have showers and brush their teeth (they don't do this with their mother, and are pre teen so.... gross!), do the chores we set for them, stick to screen time. My husband very rarely manages to tell them to do all the basic life admin stuff (chores, hygiene), so I have to harass all 5 in our house to do it, often resulting in husband and step sons NOT doing it (as I ask husband to manage his boys and he doesn't).
I can recognise many neurodivergencies make it hard for people to do chores, remember things, cause and effect etc, so I try to suck it up and remind them to do the things, even though it irks me to HAVE to, you know?
I appreciate how hard CPTSD is for my husband, and when things trigger an episode he taps out of life which leaves me carrying the load 80% or more.
We always talk through rules, boundaries, routines (super important for my step sons, but good for all of us) and husband agrees.... but rarely holds up his end.
This week, husband for the first time ever told me I was "ragging at him" 😐 to get my step sons to clean their rooms, put away clothes, have a shower for the first time in TEN DAYS.
I have basically just tapped out now. I work, have my own ADHD and medical conditions, my two biological kids to wrangle, pets, most of the house/life work.....
I will of course continue to feed, love, cherish my husband and step sons but I am thinking for my own sanity, I need to just let them deal with the consequences of not tidying their rooms, not showering, not brushing their teeth, not doing homework etc. I spend so much energy driving them and for them to NOT do it...... It sucks as my kids generally do their chores, have good hygiene (for kids lol) and they notice my step sons get let off with most things (husband, not me).
Am I being too harsh? I feel I am just protecting myself; after 5 years of this, nothing has really changed and I still have to bully (kindly, I'm never nasty about it, just persistent!) husband to a) do his own share of the housework and b) get his kiddos on board.
Husband has said if I hadn't come into their lives, his boys would probably still be pretty much non-verbal and have zero screen limits, zero boundaries, and live on pizza..... I don't want that for them, but I do need to retain my sanity! halp!
