Helpful phone numbers - Victoria

@StanD Hope you are okay 😸

@StanD

What @TAB said 🙂

What @TAB said.

@StuF @TAB xx

..funny bugger @StanD anyway hope you are okay.

😊 Hey @TAB

Oh Gosh ... If only I knew, where ok begins & nightmare ends, I might be able to answer with precision.

Thanks for saying I'm funny. It's funny, cause it's true!

This awful trauma has done a number on me, that is for sure.

I wonder if I'm allowed to say this ... The doc has me on C ...B.....D. Now.

It has been amazing! The first real hope & relief this year.

It doesn't take away the physical symptoms, but it does stop my mind from panic so much - & then the physical stuff seems to go away slightly quicker.

This post is for you too @StuF

Basically, I'm learning about myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me - it's perfectly natural reaction when person, (or animal) has experienced prolonged, severe trauma to be in heightened state.

By body is not used to feeling safe.

Honestly, it feels like I'm writing a story about , 'not me '

I really had no clue, all the crap I have been thru. I thought it was normal life stuff.

I think, that is seriously most shocking discovery.

Seeing the evidence everyday.

I learnt that trauma is stored in the brain stem. When we relive, or are triggered, the higher brain functions are innacesable.

Explains lots. I feel my brain shutting down.

The rest of the memories, are stored in the body. This was a wow moment for me.

I felt so strange experiencing these 'phantom' physical symptoms.

But they are so real, it is physically incapacitating.

Anyway, it's kind of a very clever way for the body to protect the mind, because the mind might not cope to see bad things over & over

I don't know if I will be ok.

Does anyone?

I understand it is body healing, & this is good news.

The f...king exhaustion I feel - it is indescribable.

I certainly see small improvements. I have been burying myself in art. I am using watercolours for first time. I will add a photo.

I am heading towards a goal. A quiet, peaceful, relaxing life. I am ok, & I have full determination that I will get there.

I'm afraid, too.

Not sure if you actually wanted to know any if this - it helps me.

To connect, & express.

Thankyou for reading. You are helping me without doing anything more.

Did you know that?

Said art,

I hope u & everyone is well & if not, can hold on till the monster wave 🌊 passes, & be still, if only for one moment, until the next one comes. Hopefully, smaller next time.

Stay rad ❤️

Hey @StanD ,

I hope you don't mind me popping by to say Hi. I feel I haven't connected with you in a long time.

thanks for sharing @StanD think @Former-Member mentioned trauma and muscles other day. I will ask drs what they think when am in front one next re yr acronym, I would be interested. theres another one that is becoming mainstream after years of 'party ' use for depression and chronic pain relief ie k et a mine I was given that as twilight anaesthesia for last coloscopy . that was interesting coming out of it. I couldnt shut up. had poor nurse next to me drivelling utter sh!t for ages lol ok they went that way due to concerns about post op oid s living on my own. I was escorted to a taxi and they checked where I was going , confirmed w driver before they left

Hey @tyme it's great to hear from you. It's has been ages. I lost track of time. I'm living in an unfamiliar world.

I didn't forget about why one of you, it's that I find this type of communication restrictive & at times, triggering.

I feel like I have friends 'on the line' (I watching the internship where they are working for Google)

I'm feeling not so good tonight.

I feel asleep on the couch earlier. Lots of fear. I wake up, fear & depression.

I ate 2 croissant with jam & a cuppa. Yum.

I have this sad feeling. It won't lift. All I feel like doing is sleeping, but then I have to wake up.

I don't have proper supplies to do cat litters for my cats.

I can't do my dishes. I have no motivation. It's hard to be alive.

I don't think there is an antidote. I have to get through it. Maybe I'm a day or two I won't feel so down.

It sux, I don't have any friends I can text, or call, for company. I don't know if I could emotionally handle it anyway. The right person for me understand me & has infinite compassion for my struggles.

I am good person, experiencing hardship. Not that different from lots of people in the world, maybe.

I know am cared about.

I don't have control when I will feel capable & when I'm lost in myself.

I'm trying to resist the awful urges that I want to scream & cry & maybe SH. I am being normal person watching tv. Like normal people do.

I have supports. It is great when they are here, but then they leave & I am only me again.

I know can call the help lines. That takes lots of courage. It feels easier to do nothing.

I wish I didn't have depression, & so much fear.

I feel like company (the right company) means everything to me.

It's hard enough going through these times. Doing it alone, is on the edge of unbearable.

What can I do?

It is upsetting me because I can't look after my cats. I swear, they are looking after me. But I have a 20 yo & she really needs me.

I have had feelings where I hate my cats. I think mums might feel like that about their kids. It's not real hate. It's the overwhelmed feeling of having one that depend on me, when I feel incapable of doing anything. I don't want creatures to be responsible for. And, they are the loves of my life.

It sux being sad, unmotivated, hopeless. I'm starting to get migraine. I am scared to take my meds, because it is prescription & I worry about running out & I always feel guilty asking for more. I feel like 'junky' ( sorry, awful word) my doctor is very understanding - I can't help I have this association of getting bad asking. Maybe, it goes back to feelings of being unworthy.

My OT was excellent today. She really made great,valid ideas, that I need to (expect) way more for my life.

I have still been compromising - it's a bad old habit, -& I feel like half bad company is better than none at all. (Not the best outlook)

I also feel so frightened of life because I was literally hostage in a bedroom for the last 12 years. I don't know anything. I tend to give everyone agency & hold them on higher level than me - because, I'm only a babe in the woods. I lost my confidence.

Having a hard night.

Do you ever have that feeling that you desperately want, or need - but cannot articulate exactly what?

I really want to feel competent, normal.

My emotions, uncomfortable in my own skin, constant background terror. I can only take the good moments when they appear, &:revel in them.

I think sadness is accumulative, too. You know, each time it happens, all the other times jump on the bus & say, yes we know this route.

It tends to get harder, every time.

I am not planning anything bad.

I think I'm feeling very 'over things' which I'm assured, by professionals, is exactly right response.

Thankyou xx

Sure sounds rough @StanD .

I hearing you. I'm reading between the lines and I can hear what you are saying.

As much as I don't have answers for you, please know I'm sitting here with you.

Hugs, tyme

Thankyou beautiful @tyme

I wanted to reassure anyone reading along, that I am ok.

I don't like to post 'complaining" stories. I understand that our thoughts are powerful.

But, I also need to vent.

I hope people can skip over any posts I write that made them feel sad. Honestly, the important thing is for me to get things out & not feel totally isolated.

I didn't sh or do anything unordinary last night. I stayed up until 3am painting.

I don't know anything about how to use watercolour. I bought water colour pens from A mazon.

I have noticed that, to make ink blend nicely, requires slow movement, unlike other mediums.

I think that is why I am liking it so much. It forces me to slow down.

I cannot make beautiful water colour drawings like professionals. I don't want to learn, techniques on you tube. I want to let myself create without knowing if I'm right or wrong.

I am ok, except I have lots of brain fog 🏧 . I feels yuck & not nice.

I found a way to do the cat litters using a roll of paper towels I found. I usually lay down newspaper before I put litter in. Paper towels works ok.

I have telehealth GP this afternoon.

The body, trauma, fear sensations make me sad. It makes me feel very disabled..

& I am. It is difficult to accept.

I have lots of brilliant attributes about me too❤️🦄

It means so much that you replied to me.

It certainly cannot be easy, reading sad story, after sad story.

All of you deserve huge medals & pay rises & whatever support is needed, for the selfless work you do.

You are saving peoples lives.

As are all of the long time members.

A person, on the other end. It means everything.

And I like the silly jokes that make me smile.

I don't even mind the poetry😙

Thankyou so much @tyme @TAB @StuF & everyone. I appreciate you all, so much.

I will add last night's painting - needs more, lacking. I get a knowing when they are finished.

Thankyou❤️

P.S HUGS TY