thehorrorsContributor
Life Couldn't Get Worse
In my twenties, female, unemployed, a stop-start incomplete education again and again with no qualifications, only a few friends who aren't emotional available (the situation with them feels like a ticking time bomb), Autistic, potentially undiagnosed ADHD.
I'm in emotional agony everyday, I'm creeping out the people who are trying to help me because I just feel kind of withdrawn and scared whenever I'm with people and have trouble making eye contact. Everyone's looking at me like there's something wrong with me and there genuinely is.
I think I've made my psychologist hate me, my communication skills are appalling. I say plenty and it all sounds logical but it's often not what I actually mean to say and how I'm feeling. It's not intentional it just comes out inaccurate and I have a bad habit of saying things that probably have negative inferences that aren't true but I don't realize that as it's coming out of my stupid mouth.
I didn't have a chance to start with (I know this is a self-pitying statement but for real, I won't unload the whole truck but with the deck of cards I was given 'success' was a remote possibility I desperately wanted and my efforts were always wasted towards) but now things are changing and I'M the one that's messing up everything in my life.
I am alone. Living with someone who loves me (in a shallow, utterly empty, corrosive way) when I am miserable and tries to cut me back when I try to work on myself. I think the sabotage is intentional, either way she manages to convince everyone she loves me and wants the best for me and did all she could for me while she sets me up to fail and works in underhanded ways to stop me from doing so.
She makes my skin crawl. She's at work ruining my sibling's life too who I cannot freely speak to about it because it'll get back to her. I want nothing more than to escape and I never manage to sustain anything for long enough to do so. I think no-one believes me and are beginning to think I'm the problem now.
I'm isolated, terrified, miserable. I can't concentrate. I don't ever NOT feel the full weight of these cruel needles digging into me from all sides. Distractions don't work anymore, I ditched most of them trying to improve. I can't work through this, I can claw and scrape but I don't have the stamina to get through to the other side.
I've changed so much since I started treatment, I was always aware of the rot and ooze around me and now I see it with such clarity I also see I'm infected and the way's sealed shut so tight I don't think I'll get out.
There's so much I've lost and was deprived of, so much I've wanted so vehemently and like a cruel joke I think it'll all pass me by.
I had more to say but it's fallen out of my brain now. I feel like a worthless person and that I'm trapped and I keep making things worse and I hate myself for it. I'm trying to correct course but I'm probably doing as good as nothing and I'm terrified I've pushed everyone away and irreparably shot myself in the foot.
Sorry for the long post - and sorry if this sounds a bit dramatic.
