Cutting Family Ties

After being convinced to go to an event I didn’t want to, told I needed to, to show support for the family that doesn’t understand mental health. I have travelled interstate, to an island. Trapped.

I have been reprimanded for my emotions by both sisters and my mother, still expected to keep it together on a combined 16 hours of sleep across the last four nights. Why is it that the people closest to you don’t want to take the time to realise, your emotions aren’t selfish. They are valid. I am allowed to feel disappointed that I was yelled at in public. Im allowed to be upset that I feel as though sides have been drawn. I am allowed to be angry that when I went to my mother hoping for support, I was instead berated and told I was being dramatic. Told to think about the others. Told to shove the feelings down. Again.

I can’t do it anymore, the feelings are too big. I don’t fit in the box they want me too. I never have. I’ve tried, I’ve suppressed, I’ve ignored my feelings but doing so just makes them worse. I constantly work on myself in psychology, sometimes even weekly and I’m told to recognise my emotions and talk through them but how can I do that when I’m punished for having them?

I know I’m over sensitive. I know I get angry quickly. I know I have rejection dysphoria. I am fully aware and have shared these things with my family who still seem to think that if I buckle down and try hard enough; I’ll fit into that beige box. I don’t. My shape is irregular, it’s full of colours and emotions and today has been my hardest realisation.

For my own mental health, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be around people who don’t understand and stepping away from my closest relatives is really hard but I feel it’s necessary.