Struggling with guilt after taking space from father in psychosis

Hi all,

I was happy to find this forum after a little google searching of supports. I am struggling with my father's first (overt) major mental health crisis. It's a fairly long read!

I am 30 years old, and the eldest child of my father (60) who lives a few hours drive away from me with his wife and my half-siblings. They are a teenager and a young adult.

My father's mental health has been deteriorating for years, compounded by his alcoholism and refusal to address his issues.

He was recently involuntarily admitted to a psych ward with acute psychosis following a manic episode. During this episode, he had classic mania symptoms and behaviours: spending lots of money, grandiose behaviours, paranoid delusions, not sleeping, drinking a lot, dangerous driving.

He also was very aggressive and hostile to his wife, and said awful things about her to my siblings. He was quite aggressive with me when we were in contact, leading me to block him. He also got into a fist fight with a random guy, and with police when he was arrested. He was missing for four days, it was terrifying.

Whilst this episode is certainly the most extreme example of this kind of behaviour, he has always been very paranoid and prone to aggression. He has flown off the handle at me, screamed, swore, and scared me very badly a number of times over the years. He also has put me in unsafe scenarios as a child as a result of his drinking.

His wife and he used to emotionally manipulate me as a child, making comments about how burdonsome I was, making me feel unwelcome, but also calling me ungrateful and saying I didn't do enough to facilitate a relationship with them. It's bizarre because they seem to have a hateful, loveless marriage for which they've been to counselling many, times. He is regularly horrible to her when drunk. I had to ask him to not tell me anything else about their relationship, as he would inappropriately disclose their issues to me when I was younger.

He has never been able to take accountability for his behaviour, it is always someone else's fault as to why he's in whatever situation he is. Whenever I have tried to explain that his behaviour has hurt me, it's either been completely dismissed or he has blown up at me aggressively.

When he is not being aggressive however, he is ostensibly a kind and loving father. He buys me nice gifts and we relate on many things such as music and art. I try to share my life with him, but I am always afraid of the next instance of bizarre or stressful behaviour, and I don't trust him not to do something emotionally hectic.

He has this attitude that I am the only person who understands him, which is a very pressurised position to be in, and one that is absolutely not reciprocated. I don't feel he understands me very much at all.

I have had to block him during his hospitalisation, as I was too triggered and frightened to engage with him, worried he would say something really devastating to me. I let him know I will be in contact when I am ready, so he knows that at least.

His wife has been facilitating him to get in touch with me via phone, even though I asked her directly not to, that I need some space. She replied saying I need to have empathy and unconditional love for my father, that he "loves me intensely" and that I obviously lack kidness and forgiveness.

I have since spoken to my dad's social worker, who has encouraged me to take as much space as I need, as dad is recovering, but still totally lacking insight into his condition. He is not recognising any of the harmful things he has done over the last few weeks, and refuses to admit he has a mental illness at all. He appears to still be manic/hypomanic.

Is it wrong that I feel too traumatised and scared to be actively involved in my dad's recovery? If it were a member of my family that I don't have such an unpredictable and unstable relationship, I would feel differently.

The guilt is doing my head in!

Thank you for reading, I hope everyone is having a calm afternoon.