Not so happy new year

I've lived with depression and anxiety for many years, but recently there has been a shift. I've started acting in ways that really do make me feel like im going quite mad.

I'm engaging in risky behaviours, i've started self harming. I go into rages that I cant control. Its like a switch is flipped and I cant switch it back off. Internally i'm pleading with myself to stop, but I just cant.

Last night I was self medicating. It makes me feel better for a short while anyway. I was already a little drunk and tired and managed to fall asleep with things left out on my bedside table. My partner returned home from work at 5am, found me sleeping and (rather natrually) was angry with me for not taking care.

Instead of saying happy new year to eachother this morning, we were sharing some very angry words about how messed up I am and about how if she took me to court for custody of our son that she would win because I was selfish and careless.

Right now I've just got so much internal turmoil going on. I feel like I can't be still. My brain won't switch off. Its always going going going going. My real worry, in addition to everything else, is that I may have progressed from depression and anxiety into bipolar disorder. I've been doing the self tests and regularly test upwards of 40. I've got an appointment with a psych tomorrow to get a proper assessment, but would be interested to know if I'm alone in my madness or if there is someone else out there who has made the slide from depression into bipolarity with similar things happening along the way.