Learning to live after losing the one person that really knew me.

My mum was that person. She passed mid last year. Now the best I have is this forum where I can at least express myself.

I have borderline personality disorder. Interpersonal relationships are the absolute hardest element of it for me. I’ve struggled to connect with people. It and depression have chased everyone away when I let them get too close, so I hold back when I meet people. I watch and I analyse to determine the dynamics of the relationship. I define rules for myself as I discover each persons boundaries/limits.

Who I am, my BPD, depression, anxiety etc all comes out one way or another. I control what I can when I can because I know many do not cope as shown by all the people that have left my life.

Groups are particularly hard because different peeps bring out different elements of me. If I’m in a group where some peeps bring out certain elements that others do not like. I struggle with the mixed feedback especially if the person I feel the negative feedback is physically closer than the person giving the positive feedback. Like when sitting around a table so you can’t change position. I generally like to position myself fairly central so I have options, especially as my mood shifts. When I know the people I try to position myself next to the person that matches my mood or can ‘anchor’ me, the close physical presence of certain people can help stop my BPD/anxiety flying, as I can focus on them and everything else becomes peripheral. It’s an energy thing. It’s why so many find me ‘draining’. I work to balance it and give back in different ways. But it’s also why I find social situations so hard.

I ride a motorbike. It’s a Can - Am Ryker - 2 wheels in front and 1 at back. I’ve been riding with the local Ulysess for a bit over 2 years. I’ve developed good friendships. They accept me mostly. I have 3 ‘sets’ of friends in this group, 2 are couples. 1 is married but his wife doesn’t ride. 1 largely gets me, he listens, checks up on me but some of his ‘help/encouragement’ invalidates. He listens but doesn’t always hear so I can’t always turn to him. The other 2 are supportive but they just don’t get this beast.

BPD is a beast of its own and each version is as individual as the person that has it. While we have similarities there are just as many differences. When I’m good - I’m just me - the best version of me. When I’m not good, which occurs at many different levels, the BPD comes out more or maybe it’s just the worst of it. The parts that society doesn’t like. I so often feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I assign the worst parts to BPD, although I know it’s just a part of who I am. There are parts of it, parts of me that I really like and when I’m good - I’m great but when I’m not, I slide. There are all these horrible qualities that sit inside me and when I’m not good they come out. I am selfish, I have ego. I hate it when these come out. I see people that are selfless and/or humble. I try to be that. I prefer to be that or at least closer to it as I don’t like complete selflessness, that’s when you become a doormat or get used. Ego can come from confidence - it does for me. I like confidence but hate ego. I try to find the balance. I hate people that are selfish and live in ego and I hate it within myself.

I went for a ride with a new group on Saturday. A group of women, largely a great group of women. Motorbikes and mental health issues tend to go hand in hand and I find them the most accepting. Riding allows you to be on your own while with a group. My anxiety was up. At a level I’m used to for this situation so some of my behaviours were coming out - mostly lost words and zoning out which are generally socially acceptable. It was bad enough though that I felt the need to explain my behaviour which I do when people notice so they don’t think I’m rude or stupid.

My ego was up because I’m confident in how I ride. The expectations of my bike from other riders is lower than my capabilities. I dislike the ‘judgement’ that comes so love it when I prove myself. Some groups have particular rules about not passing the lead rider so before we left I asked. Her judgement was obvious in her answer and I felt that she was offended that I thought I could ride better than her. I passed her and took off on a particularly fun road I know well. She was surprised but I also felt that she was offended. At lunch, there were others there asking questions. 1 person who I know from Ulysess - not well as she is new to the group (she invited me to this new group). I tried to avoid some of the questions as they lead to things I didn’t want to talk about like mum and my mental health but with everything as it was and some of them showing real interest much of the surface info came out. I suppose that’s the difference between men and women.

At one point the conversation started with ‘what do I do for a living’ which lead to me being on disability. To which the ‘lead’ person asked, which I’ve never been asked directly “what was my disability”. I told her, she said ‘I have scoliosis and don’t qualify!’ so I started to explain the situation in which I was put on disability, to which she started a completely different conversation with someone else but it physically crossed those that were listening and enquiring so I shut down.

I accept and acknowledge all the variables of a group dynamics and individual experience. I know it’s just want it is so I’m good with the day and the group for what it is.

BUT…

My life is in transition. I have chosen to sell my place and move away. I’m building a new place which wont be ready until early next year so I’m staying in a rental and living in a place (town, situation) I don’t want to be in.

I started interacting with this new group late last year when there were some issues happening with the old group before I made the decision to leave. I was looking for a way to make new friends. Seeking that female riding connection.

Yesterday, Sunday, I felt really sad. Thought it could be just a little bit of everything. There is other stuff too but just standard life stuff that I’m sorta okay with/working thru.

I have a persistent cough, that has been around for over a month now, I’ve been to the doctor, I’m doing a range of ‘medical’ things to try help it go away. It has a thick clear mucus, so no infection, it’s getting better but... I also have a very strong spiritual belief and it occurred to me yesterday as this has happened before, that the cough could be from the fact that I am ‘strangling my voice’. I have no one to talk to about all the stuff I am feeling and thinking therefore no one to validate and encourage me, which is a BPD need, which mum used to fill…. And … maybe there is the answer… That is what I need to fill for myself… I have been doing this but so often in this process, for me, it’s in putting it into words… Talking/typing through the thinking that “validates”, lol the action as internal as it is.

I was/ am writing this for the forum because I wanted help, I wanted validation but like so often I found the answer within my own words. I think I’ll post anyways.

Today, Monday. I woke up particularly sad, meltdown sad. I decided yesterday and solidified before writing this that I wouldn’t continue with the new group. I think that is what really triggered the meltdown sad. That sense of isolation, being defeated and lost by it all, the whole situation I’m in. The mix between what I want and the direction I’m heading. The desire to connect vs the time and effort it will take to do it and I don’t have the time. I’ll be leaving in about 12 months. It takes at least a year to establish a base friendship. Longer for a deep one which can’t be done with this group once I leave and if I split my time it pulls away from my existing friendship which I value. If I were staying I would continue and balance.

I wish there was some way to build more genuine connection through Sane. There are some on here that have replied or I’ve read and I would like to connect better. I did a Sane group session the other day and there was one person I have been thinking about ever since and I wish I could reach out.

Anyways. Once again. Thanks for listening