aftermath of silly season

thinking about you and your son @Former-Member

I tend to go through phases a lot

.... walking phases

solitary and social phases

There is a line we mum's cross when previously loathed housework becomes a desirable escape .. lol .. I know others who feel that way too.

Be gentle with yourself @Former-Member. There is time to get back some of what you've temporarily lost. I get a bit like you with medication when my life is happening and I don't feel like I'm in it. I always forget. I forget to eat and drink and lots of things. It's all just a sign that we aren't doing so well.

I hope you have a reprieve soon from the social engagements. Thinking of you 💜🤗

hello @Former-Member @Appleblossom

thank you for your responses helped me feel not quite so isolated.

last night was as i expected it to be. so many of new so called family ignoring me expecting me to acknowledge bow and scrape to them. well i did what i said i would before christmas. all of those who welcomed me with smiles i hugged and talked to. those who didnt i did not engage with until gradually i found them joining my group of conversation.

i found yet again i was listening to others tell me about how hard their life is, how much they have suffered. one younger than me lost her uncle, her mum's brother and i could understand her grief.

the whole while i listened i struggled keeping my grief inside, preventing the rush of tears, my grief, my loss as my son has cut me off. i cannot share this with them. they would only judge him and that would just make my pain so much harder to bear.

over an hour drive each way. i drove home. i dont like driving at night on roads that i am not familiar with. i was so tense and drove slower than the speed limit at times knowing that i would annoy others. strangely the cars behind dropped back and maintained their distance almost as though i was receiving guidance.

my usual medication did not work. i was awake the whole night or should i say morning. didnt get to bed until 1.30am which is way past my normal time. this coupled with my heightened emotions,tension in my back and crippling headache just from tension prevented me from escape in sleep. finally drifting half awake half asleep dreaming, husband woke me at 12 noon.

i had a look at photographs taken at party. my face demonstrates the weight of depression and grief. horrific look. dont feel like socialising ever again.

so the circle of self-loathing recommences.

Thinking of you @Former-Member pls take care.

These times of year are always difficult.

Dear @Former-Member

Try and find the space between .. ooh noo .. another bad photo .. I have lots .. and self-loathing.

I am like you, in that I dont find it hard to feel real compassion for those going through genuine hard times .. but am getting more impatient about being expected to be a constant counsellor to all and sundry for neglible concerns .. and endless complaining .. re minor matters.

Teacherly types and people skilled in caring attitudes are very good for keeping the social machine lubricated. The predatory me win win types dont realise how much energy and effort that takes .. and dont program it into their models of what is valuable .. until they experience their own need .. often too late .. to redress damage done ..

For the last 15 years I have been working on socialising in various ways .. paid .. honorary and voluntary .. in the community .. but I guess I am also .. directly speaking my mind from time to time too..

Hoping that there will eventually be a turning around in your son's attitude. That he is trying to work out who he is apart from his parents and that one day he will reunite .. I have to do the same regarding my daughter .. with whom I have had very little contact since she was 14 .. at first it felt quite savage and ripping apart of me .. and retraumatising was great .. but I dont pine as much as I did.

Gotta go .. son has a need for a chauffeur .. he still does not drive.

hello @Appleblossom @esprit @BlueBay @Former-Member

thank you all for thinking of me.

that does mean so much to me.

you are acknowledging that feelings are real, that I am a person with valid emotions, that i am worthwhile listening to.

i am crying again now.

i only just found this by chance as i find myself writing again.

i seem to have driven myself through a dense fog to places, responses, posts all over this land of hills and dales, villages, cities, mountain ranges, lakes, oceans.

i have left bits and pieces of myself in some perhaps even most of these places and am now starting to relocate where i have travelled since first finding this new land.

yes i am a total mess yes i probably should be in hospital no i wont go because the rest of my world will just collapse. they all have their own lives and life issues. they look at me sometimes when i am really unwell with dread. i can see in their eyes that they are praying and hoping please dont break. they dont know what to say to me or how to treat me so they look away.

i am an alien within my own family.

i dont have any medical appointments until 16/1 so have survived up to here. nine days to get through.

so if you have responded to one of my epic writings elsewhere in this land and i have not replied. please know that it is not because i do not appreciate your listening and acknowledging my feelings.

it means the world to me when i read that you have listened to my words.

i just dont remember what i have written and where.

i am limiting myself to how long i spend on here now. am trying to have days off as well.

i am still here in the background. i havent gone away. i havent left this new land. i will return when i am able.

in the meantime thank you again, know that you are thought of and cared about.

stay safe , as relaxed as is possible. .......ggh

Dear Mohill,

I have noticed you posting replies to others in trouble with empathy and understanding.Now you are in a dark,dark place which is agony to negotiate, but I want you to remember that you are a valuable, worthwhile human being. From your posts I can tell you are a kind and giving person, and I wonder whether it would be useful to try to remind yourself of that now.

I have experienced the deepest of depressions and know that sometimes nothing anyone says or does can help. Please put your faith in the future and trust that things will get better.

Ellu

hello @Appleblossom

just read your post again i was in a very bad state when i first responded. in fact reading it makes even me feel more morose!

you say your daughter left at 14 . do you mind if i ask the reason why? you dont need to go in to great depth. i was just wondering if it was mental illness related or drug/ alcohol related. Both affect their minds and judgements so much. what chance do we stand?

i check my mobile and emails every day hopeful.

my husband is not happy at all at the amount of time i have been spending on here. i am currently not bothering talking to him which i know is so childish and not like me at all. i am the one who strongly believes in keeping communication open at all times.

i just seem to have lost all inclination.

i tried to explain that i have no other support at all at the moment. My psychiatrist, new psychologist, outreach link support worker, wellness centre support worker are all on holidays... gone with the blink of an eyelid.

i am not selfish i am able to separate the roles and the people with their own lives and families. i also understand that most organisations close at this time of year.

i just find it laughable though. mental illness does not take a holiday at this time of year. carers dont take holidays at this time of year.

i have listened to what you have told me and i am trying so hard to breathe, distract, read, garden , all are such a task, no energy.

thank you for listening again xxx

hello @Ellu

yes that is it exactly

i cannot pick myself up out of it. i have been battling it for a while now knocking on my door. i managed to keep it at bay.

i have just about stopped all exercise. i dont walk at all now. i used to go for frequent long walks.

i havent been for a walk since i saw him in hospital. it is as though that part of me has been immobilised.

i feel that i am regressing into myself more and more each day.

going into a cocoon.

i just have to make it to the 16/1 and my psychiatrist appointment. not that that will be a magic cure but it is a return to my safety net.

sorry that i cant sound brighter or chirpier. i just dont have it in me at the moment.

thank you again for thinking of me, and taking the time to say what you have. that was lovely.

there certainly are some beautiful treasures on here. i just think that i am so grateful that i found this place.

there is another part of me that feels angry that illness is still segregating us in a way even on here.