no mans land

Hi @Chris

It's great that you have reached out for support during such a difficult time. It sounds like you have been holding a lot in to put on a brave face for your family although I am glad that you were able to open up to your son. How did that feel for you?

I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling alone despite working with health professionals, sometimes it can take time to find one that you really connect with. How was your appointment with your GP today? Were you able to get a referral for a new psychiatrist?

Remember that if you ever feel like you just need someone to talk to over the next week whilst you're waiting to see a psychiatrist you can always call Lifeline: 13 11 14. There are always people available to support you!

Well, i saw my gp today. And as usual i failed to ask him some questions that have been on my mind for a while. Too scared of what he might say. My mental illness is complex and i have trouble accepting various aspects of it. I did get the referal i needed but as to whether its the right Dr remains to be seen. Its a waiting game now.

I so miss my psychiatrist already. I had connected with him, and felt like i was on the verge of a major breakthrough. Now its lost. I feel like i will have to start all over again. It takes me such a long time to trust. Litrally years. I can have phone contact with him, but it wont be the same. But again it is a least another week away. Even contact with the crisis team has gone down to weekly. I almost feel abandoned.

Opening up to my son last week was positive. But i still feel bad about it in a way. Burdening him when he has enough to deal with right now. He is going through a tough time with an ex partner and children. I worry about him and how he is coping. Back to taking it minute by minute. I dont like how i feel right now. Very unstable. Just got to use those dbt skills.

He did refer me to two other psychiatrists. One his books are closed. The other, not sure if he is taking new patients. Ive heard conflicting stories. I cant sort it out untill after the 9th of January. It all just feels such a mess.

Just found out after some online digging that this second psychiatrist books are closed. Just what i needed! Ive just taken something to help me relax and hopefully sleep, so will sign off for now. Thank you all for your feedback.

hi @Chris

That feeling of confusion with no ground under our feet is extremely uncomfortable.

I just wanted to remind you that there is hope in your situation that I read. There are good reasons to hang on and just go into 'suspended animation' until you get professional help and support.

you've heard it all before, but during this time, do nurture and be kind to yourself won't you? If you can find a way to let go of the layering stuff of beating yourself up for feeling groundless in the first place, can you do that for yourself? Try not to judge your experience as 'bad'? It's OK to have the full catastrophe of human experience, and here and with your son, you have people who might not understand exactly but are willing to hear you out without judging or condemning you.

At the same time, I think many of us share your difficulty with trusting. And you are right to discern safe people from unsafe ones. Seems like you are doing a great job of that. If you can surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, who uplift and support and validate you, that might help give ground under your feet for a while. And validate yourself by whatever has worked in the past. You are a likely a beautiful loving mother, and a good person with deep sensitivities. You are precious to others. Let yourself believe it.

take it easy and let yourself off the hook. If you don't want to do a thing, don't force yourself to do it for a while. It's summer after all. Take a break from striving and pushing and making everything work. It's OK to just 'make like a cat' as someone said! May you hold your own suffering in your own compassion. May you find rest inside your confusion. May it pass quickly this time.

Spitting the dummy. Im over all of it. Note not ending my life just slamming all the doors shut. Only way i can cope.