Damn I hate emotions!!!

I know what I’m feeling is reasonable but I so want to be one of those people that can just keep the emotions under control without needing to overshare or have meltdowns

My current situation started on this path about July 2022 when my workplace changed hands and the new business model wasn’t working for me. I stuck it out until about Feb 2023.

My mum was developing dementia and with the pressure of that and the changes at work I decided to start looking for a new job. But then mum had a reoccurrence of vulva cancer, had surgery but between 2 pet scans, 8 weeks apart, it went from “it’s just the lump we know about” to “your terminal with about a month to live”

My sister had come to help mum after the surgery (she lives 7 hrs drive away) as I was still working at the time. (You can’t sit for 4 weeks post surgery on the vulva).

I have a very complicated relationship with my sister. Our father was used coercive control and she picked up a lot of his traits. So Mum & I got it from both of them.

It was all way too much for me, so I left my job, in a meltdown.

I hadn’t spoken to my sister in 5 years prior. I’ve done a lot of therapy so when we were forced into this situation I started to stand up for myself. She really didn’t like it when I started to call her out on her controls and manipulations. you know the ones - “you need to control your emotions”, “your being crazy” etc etc.

I picked my battles. I had to accept some things like her excessive spending of mum’s money, I called her on some of it a couple of times which slowed her a little but she still did things I don’t believe she should have.

Managing the whole situation was insane. I had support from one of mum’s friends who knew the whole situation and was able to help me a little with my sister and support me when things blow up.

When mum passed I went into process mode. Planned the funeral, managed her affairs. Things deteriorated with my sister as we both dealt with our grief differently. Her estate is all settled which was a whole different level of crap.

With mum’s passing I’ve decided to move away. I own my place so I’ve moved out to a rental to sell. I’m building a new house making decision based on best information. There is so much happening and I am largely getting through, especially when I can switch into process mode.

The emotions keep rolling, I have meltdowns at points, mostly in private sometimes not so private which I hate. I’m doing as much self care as I can between everything that has to be done.

I’m very proud of myself for what I am doing and managing it but I would just like to be able to do it without meltdowns. Without feeling the emotions so strongly. Without oversharing to random people.

I think I’m part burying my emotions and part processing them. I’ve simplified my life where I can. I did grief counselling which helped heaps. I’ve got a session with Sane counselling today.

Mum was the only person that stood by me my whole life, now she is gone, I’ve discovered these forums as my support so mostly I’m just posting to get it out.