JPEG1998Senior Contributor
TW: Dealing with a Toxic Mother
My mother will not admit to this, but she is can be an abusive, anxious, controlling perfectionist, resulting in me having to seek counselling now as an adult. She is never content with anything that my father and I do, or have done for her. My mother drinks alcohol excessively, and gambles on the poker machines every weekend. This often results in us fighting nearly every weekend, although lately, I feel that she has been trying to goad or pressure me into giving in to her trouble, just so that she can turn around and tell the world (literally, though social media) that I am a bad person. But I never gave in. I have also tried, 'I feel, because...' statements with this woman (as suggested by my counsellor), although it was useless. I am 25 and my father is 52, and we are still treated like children incapable of completing anything independently of this woman. My mother is also greedy when it comes to money and demands more and more and more money from my father and I, on a weekly/fortnightly basis, resulting in dad hardly ever having any money for himself. My mother has told me point blank that she, 'can do whatever she likes with our money that we give her, because it's board money.' Yeah, well, I am pretty sure that mine and your husband's board money should go towards bills (which part of it does), NOT on your drinking and gambling addiction! I must admit, though, we have never had anything cut off in our house, such as electricity, so I guess she's done something right, there.
My mother suffered from child abuse and neglect growing up, and did not end up seeking help until 2020, where she was diagnosed with PTSD. The only reason as to why she sought help to begin with was due to the fact that there was a man she was working with, doing disturbing things to vulnerable people (this man is now in prison). I think she should have caught help before she even considered in conceiving me, because, still to this day, I have to bear the brunt of it. And so does my father.
While I completely understand and respect the fact that no mother is perfect, it is getting to the point now where I want no relationship with mine anymore. My mother is 51 and has never held a driver's licence, because she's, 'too scared' to operate a vehicle. While this is understandable, you eventually get over that fear. My God, everyone, when I first started driving, I smashed the car into to house! I have my full licence now and a clean driving record. Mum's fear of driving results in myself or my father (mainly myself as my father works full time) in having to drive my mother EVERYWHERE, be it to work, the shops, or, you guessed it, the pub.
She is also dead against me having the independence to catch the bus to places, because I previously had feelings for a bus driver (who ultimately ended up, a: being an AH towards me, b: losing his job and c: not being good enough for mum based on his age and occupation), but I have rebelled and still do it to this day, even though this man no longer drives buses for a living. I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around mum, because simply conversing with her or asking her for a simple favour can make her mad. There is a lot of emotional abusive happening in my household, and it's been happening for over two decades, resulting in me developing mental health issues. I remember how she was telling me how she met my father. She told him point blank, (please bear in mind that I don't remember her exact words), 'it's ok if you don't want to be in my child's life, I want a baby, get me pregnant.' She then goes on to get pregnant, has a miscarriage after getting incredibly drunk at a party, and then conceives again to have me. She also had a sip of alcohol when she was pregnant with me, pretending to not realise that she was pregnant with me. Also, at the very back of my baby photo album is a lovely presentation of cannabis leaves! Charming.
I have shared a lot now, and if you have read this far, THANK YOU. I (hopefully) look forward to hearing from you.
