TW: Feeling Inadequate and Losing My Battle with Mental Health

Hi all,

Im almost 26, and it is getting to the point where I want to become estranged from everyone in my family. I've always felt and been alone. I've also always felt as though I am a social outcast. It really doesn't help being an only child either. My mum has openly admitted that she had a sip of alcohol when she was pregnant with me (but her claim is that she didn't know that she was pregnant with me). Yeah, right! That's probably why I am so messed up now. I can't help but be extremely jealous of families that are big and close, because I never got to have that. Instead of acting like a sane and mature (pun not intended) human being, I treat almost everyone I come across like complete and utter shit, because I hate myself. I'm not in a relationship, never been in one and never had sex before, and that is unlikely to change. Men, specifically single men, have claimed to find me attractive and have openly admitted to wanting to have sex with me, but doing to deed has never actually occurred. I don't think very highly of myself, because no one has ever made me feel adequate. And when I say no one, I mean, literally, no one in my family and no long term 'friends.' I have tried to rekindle my relationships with extended relatives, but they have made it clear to me that they don't like me and don't want to know me, due to rumours and lies that have been spread about me. I could be anywhere, doing anything, on a bus, in my bedroom, in the shower, even when I have dreams at nighttime, and I would be reintroduced to same trauma that I faced in my past life. This usually results in me crying. No psychiatrist believes a word that comes out of my mouth, I find that psychologists are useless, and my GP refuses to change my medication. I don't feel comfortable sharing my diagnosis on here because I fear that I will be judged. The previous crush that I had one someone has taught me to keep secrets from people, and someone else I thought I was close with has taught me not to rely on anyone. I was also bullied relentlessly in high school. Nothing was ever done about it.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder, that if something were to happen to me, beginning with the letter 's,' that people may stop and think, 'wow, we really were awful to her.' But, because it's me, I highly doubt that it would ever happen.