Bipolar Husband

@Bee36 thanks for that reply, yes he has been Like this our whole lives we have been together since we were 19 & 22. Initially it happened very rarely and I felt that I could fix it by just not doing the thing that annoyed him again. I remember years ago he came home and the screen door was locked and he flew into a rage swearing and kicked the door then abused me so I always unlocked the screen from then on before he got home, which sounds so pathetic when you say it. I am a strong successful business woman who would not allow anyone in my business to act or accept any poor behaviour but here I am. The cycle is so toxic as he had so many amazing qualities and it seemed like a crazy outburst a few times a year was not that big a deal however now it is every few months for a major outburst and really every few weeks for smaller rages. It makes me feel better than other people have been through the same but I also feel that the end outcome even with help and medication is not ideal for us the family.

@Bel5 @Bee36

I feel like I can relate to both your experiences.

My wife and I have been together for over 30years. We got married young too. Me just shy of 21, my wife 19. My kids are adults, my son is just about to move overseas.

We have always had turmoil in our relationship. Cycles of blow ups, resentment, making up and so on. I have done some raging myself. Ive yelled, swore, bellowed and broke things. We've hit each other (to my eternal shame). Ive despaired and cried and felt like I didnt want to continue living. I guess the thought of hurting my children was my main dererrent at those times.

I had always hoped that we could improve how we dealt with each other kept me afloat.

I have had some great counsellors at different times. We did couples counselling for a long time.

Im not one to give up. I want to be pro active. I think thats why we're all on this forum.

From the perspective of just taking care of myself I know I should probably split up with my wife. But Its not that easy is it?

My Mum stayed with Dad his whole life despite his Schitzo affective disorder. It cost her a lot I think... My wifes parents are a chaos personified but still together....

@Weary33 thanks for sharing I guess it comes down to how much we can tolerate and when its too far. It always gets swept under the rug as I'm too upset to even face it or admit I'm in this disgusting cycle. Mentally I have to be ready to do what I know is right which is leave him. At the moment he is not here and I have asked him to not return until he gets help, which is the biggest step i have ever taken. This is probably the only way he will get help. Just not sure if the damage can be undone regardless.

I guess that is the big question Ive been asking myself @Bel5. How much are we prepared to tolerate?

One of my counsellors said that very thing to me more than a year ago... Its been rattling around in my head ever since!

It took me years to recognise those cycles... I knew they were there but could never define what was going on. I read "Facing Co-dependence" by Pia Melody a while ago. A few things in there really hit the nail on the head for me. Thats when I went to see my councilor again. She had been our couples therapist...

Good on you for taking that step. I think you instinctively know you should protect yourself. I feel that damage is inevitable one way or another. I believe our partners kind of seek chaos. I think they feel they need it... Maybe... something like that.

Splitting up certainly feels impossible @Bee36. And I do feel like there are no good options really. I guess I still hope for some kind of small miracle...

On the weekend, my daughter suggested to my wife that therapy might be helpful. Later on, I got accused of collusion - which I denied... (Sort of true/sort of not).

I dont want to give up trying as such. But my wife has an abusive nature and has trouble empathising with her family. My son did 2 years in the Police (finished his training then resigned) and related to me that, in light of his experiences he felt his Mum had emotionally abused him. It was confronting to hear those terms out loud... He is distancing himself which is saddening to me but a relief in some ways as well.

I wonder if there is a way for me to get a buffer zone without throwing everything away? I suspect not... I think Ive been trying to mentally prepare as well...

Hi @Bel5 , you and your children do not deserve to be treated like this regardless of if your husband has a mental health condition!!!!