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I took a VRO out against an ex who was violent towards me in July. I was such a mess for a long time. That night made me realise how far I had pushed my boundaries back just to be with this person. I forgot who I was and tried so hard to be something I wasn't until it broke me. I let him constantly lead me to the edge and I jumped every time. Violence was my final straw and made me realise I wasn't ready to gamble with my life. It's been so hard to see him and pretend like it wasn't affecting me. He was hanging around my work constantly and had followed me on numerous occasions with the VRO in place and has already been charged with 2 breaches, waiting to go to court for another 3 and other charges unrelated to me. I've been riding a rollarcoaster of emotions since July, every time I think I'd be feeling better I'd be waiting for something or someone to come knock me back to reality. This Monday he spent all morning staring at me from the front of my work and calling out to me, it throws me for the day and makes me so sad to see his behaviour and the fact that after all this time time he was still behaving this way and not trying to better himself. It breaks my heart. I couldn't take it so I called the police. He has been arrested and sent to jail for breach of protective bail, aggravated stalking and breach of VRO. I feel so sad for him, I never wanted this for him, I just wanted to be left alone and I don't think that's too much to ask. I had to cut him out of my life so I could live and cutting him off immediately is the hardest thing I've ever done and never wish to do again. I feel exhausted after all this and you'd think I'd be happy he's in jail but I feel so sorry for him and his family. I expect to get a mouthful from his mother any minute and dread the thought. I wish she kept him away from me and got him the help he needed. I feel bad but the situation was out of my control and wasn't my responsibility to fix because I couldn't. Why don't I feel free like I thought I would? Even now, was I so trained by him to feel this weight on my shoulders and like I had to fix him? It's hard everyday to drag myself out of bed and go to work not knowing what to expec
Love is the most powerful, all encompassing and blinding emotion we have. As much as it may not feel like it at the moment - you are NOT responsible for HIS behaviour and you have the right to feel safe and be safe! You are right - it wasn't your responsibility to fix the situation - you made the courageous step to get out and he didn't respect that. That is not on you - that's his, and only his, issue to deal with.
Being in such an abusive relationship does warp you mind - sometimes it's just your survival instincts kicking in and when these are fighting for the feelings you have staying where you are is easier than getting out. It will take time to learn to be YOU again. Try to focus your feelings on yourself and your needs. When there has been so much negativity in your head you can't expect to retrain your brain to be positive, accepting and free over night. It does take time. But help is out there (and here). Talk to those you trust. Routines in the morning have helped me in the past. That way I don't have to think what to do next, I just do it as normal! Is there someone you can have along for support to travel to work with you to helpease someof the anxiety? Or even someone at work that you can 'check in' with when you get there so you feel safe?
In response to: Struggling
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling
Hello @Prisoner,
It sounds like you have been through a lot with your ex, his controlling and violent ways and how he has managed to make you feel like you have to fix him. Please look after yourself and stay strong as what you have done is maintain firm boundaries with him in the protection of yourself and this is priority.
Seek as much support as you can, it is really good that you have come onto the forums and getting that support here. Have you spoken to 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) before? They have a helpline that can also provide some extra support that goes well with counselling, this forum etc.
Please take care of yourself and continue to share with us when you need, we are here for you.
Lunar
In response to: Struggling
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling
@Prisoner. Firstly, well done for leaving that relationship and taking oyt a VRO. Why don't you feel happy? Because this wasn't what you wanted. You wanted out - not to be stalked. You wanted him to man up and move on. But he didn't. This is his choice. His decision. He chose to disregard the VRO & stalk you. You have done the right thing. But you are human. You had a relationship with this person and you don't want him to hurt. That's empathy. That's okay to feel like that. Now that you are safe & I'd suggest not taking calls from his family and friends - now is the time to look after you. Do you have a psychologist or counselor you talk to? If not, speak to your gp and ask for a referral. A therapist can help you work through your feelings. And help you to feel stronger and safer about what you have had to endure. There are counselors out there who specialise in domestic violence. That might be a good choice for you. You have been so brave and so strong to get through til now. Let someone else help you from here on. I wish you all the best.
In response to: Struggling
PrisonerSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling
@utopia@Former-Member@Zoe7 thank you all for hearing me and listening to me. Everyone at my work and close circle of friends have been so supportive of me throughout this whole mess. I don't know where or what I would've done without them. The Sane Forums have also been my lifeline when I've felt totally lost. I am so thankful for everyone's support words don't do my gratitude justice. My workmates know when I'm not coping and help me through the day and take the pressure off me when I need it. I do believe I should go back to counselling even though I have moments I think I'm doing ok. I am working hard to retrain my brain but still struggle with the emotion of it all... I used to bottle everything up but all this has taught me to reach out and voice when I'm not ok- not to hide from my sadness and that feelings are not a weakness. I must feel them to move on and I know that means all of them- bad or good. I was so gutted to know he had gone to jail and I had almost accepted that him following me or hanging around was now how my life was going to be. I will try 1800 Respect and will call my counsellor tomorrow. Thank you all so much for helping me keep my head up, I mean that from the bottom of my heart ❤️ Learning to let go isn't easy but I know I can do this especially with wonderful people around me and on this forum where I feel free to express my truth.
In response to: Struggling
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling
@Prisoner. You have come so far - if you know that you need to let your feelings out. You are definitely on the right path & your workplace and workmates sound amazing. I hope you continue to receive their support. And I don't think your name @Prisoner will suit you anymore. I think maybe survivor or strength or warrior is more to where you are going in this journey.
In response to: Re: Struggling
ShimmerSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling
Great to hear that you have such wonderful supports in your friends and colleagues as well as on the Forums @Prisoner
Well done you for reaching out for help when you need it to replenish your strength!
In response to: Struggling
PrisonerSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling
Hi @Shimmer, thank you for your support. I remember You were there for me when this all started. Learning to reach out was the best thing that happened to me in all this. I couldn't have done it without beautiful people like you to help me see through the muck. I'm so much stronger than I was and I know it's thanks to the support I've received. You all do an amazing job on here ❤️ It's meant so much to me and I hope countless others. Thank you
In response to: Re: Struggling
ShimmerSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling
Thank you for your lovely words @Prisoner
I'm glad to hear that you are feeling much stronger. Keep up the good work and keep us updated
In response to: Struggling
PrisonerSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling
Hi everyone ❤️ I've tried to change my user name but can't seem too even on a desktop,? Anyway, it's been awhile since I've been on here but find myself here tonight. Reading my story back ... It's crazy... I remember how raw I was and can't say I'm still not 100% unaffected but I am definitely stronger. I was never going to be a victim, my pride would never let me but it's been a long and hard road to travel. I so desperately wanted to forget this ever happened to me. I've had to make peace with the fact this is now part of my story. I went back to regular counselling which I really needed to do and was thankful for. I can't believe it's almost been a year since this all happened. My ex was released at the end of January this year. Apart from finding out from the court about this, he had to park along the road I travel to work from and made sure I saw him. The sight of him makes me feel sick, even now - even with my VRO. Ever since his January court appearance which released him he has been back in court monthly, they tell me the judge is just keeping an eye on him. He is going again this Monday. I feel raw about this because I don't feel there were any consequences for his stalking and breach of bail. I mean if the judge hasn't fined him or sentenced him by now what are they going to do 6-7 months later since his offences? He drives past my house at least weekly, annoys people I know on social media( I don't do Facebook) All the while doing everything he can to look like an angel. Funny how he never bothered getting a job before now isn't it? I know he's only putting on a mask to get what he wants but it seems like everyone believes it. I'm annoyed he is still in my head, this makes me angry the most. I read heaps of stuff saying when I forgive I can move on- thing is I have no forgiveness for him. I know that's harsh but it's my truth. My counsellor is focusing on me forgiving myself, that's been hard enough. I really used to think there was good in everyone but he shattered that illusion for me. I don't believe monsters can change and I wish to know nothing about him or his life. But as small towns go I do. I wish I could banish him and all memory because it still hurts. What hurts me the most is that I don't think he knows what he actually did to me. A friend I of mine confronted him- his excuse for his behaviour was his"love" for me and because he loved me. I don't mean to sound so bitter and yeah everyone says Iv come a long way but why can't I banish him from my mind? I went really good for a couple of months there before I was informed of his petty behaviour on Facebook which bought it all back to the surface for me. God that sounds petty doesn't it 😔 it's the truth but. I feel like I was tortured for so long that when I finally did get the police to do something the judge ordered 6 weeks in jail ( which he was only held for b4 his next court appearance in jan) when they let him out) is that all he gets for stalking me for 6 months and breaching bail numerous times. So on Monday, what's going to happen now in court? I don't understand because there has never been a charge for the stalking or breaches - is he just going to get another fine like the 2 previous times he breached?? Maybe I've not come as far as I thought after all..
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