TryingtobreatheCasual Contributor
Struggling to breathe
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 14 months ago and have been struggling ever since. I have childhood trauma that's left me with PTSD, My kids father left for another woman back in 2017 after 10 years together and a lot of gaslighting. I thought I'd dealt with the breakdown of my relationship. I met my current partner in January 2020. Things were great, we moved in together after a year of dating, we have kids and didn't want to rush. My fear of him cheating on me too was there but I was able to remind myself that he hadn't done anything to make me think that and it was just my fear talking. 3 months later I found out he'd been talking to another woman behind my back, even after asking him if he was a few weeks prior. I think this is when my mental health declined. All of the issues I thought I'd dealt with from childhood until now have come back 1000 fold.
TW: assault
My kids have had to go live with their dad(within the last 2 days), whilst it hurts so much I know they are better off there.
I have tried mood stabilisers, which just makes me tired and mirtanza which made the suicidal ideations worse. I am feeling so alone. I have no family and I've lost most of my friends. My kids were my world for 17 years (oldest is 17, youngest is 13) I feel like I have failed them. They may not have had to endure the physical abuse that I did but by witnessing these episodes I have scarred them nonetheless. The more these episodes happen, the more shame, guilt and self hatred I feel.
I have booked in with a psychologist but right now I'm struggling. Im in so much pain that I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just hoping someone can relate or can share ways to cope. I just feel so utterly alone.
