So bitter at disappointments of grown family

lots of familys or maybe most have there planning and politic issues you should bring up with troyble makers when all there and listening and get the group to thrash out so you can enjoy

Hi @Dark_Olena

It sounds like a very diffiucult situation and your right, you can't make anyone do what they dont want to do but as I read your post I was just wondering if that was accurate. Is it that your boys dont want to spend christmas day / other events with you or is it just that they feel pulled in many directions?

i know that you said you have had diffiulties when you have verbally expressed your pain in the past but I wonder if you expressed it evenly last time? or were you in too much pain to do so? did you say I understand that you need to be with your partner etc but I feel sad when your not here i need etc and come to a mutual agreement? or did you (for example) tell them you were angry they were inconsiderate and so they became defensive and the conversation escalated or ended without you getting what you needed

its always a hard juggling act, and you may have already done this but as they way we communicate is so important I just thought I would ask

I hope that something shifts soon

Dear Dark_Olena,

I read your post and it nearly made me cry. I have 4 children, 31, 30 and twins of 26. They, too are entering that stage of life when they are establishing their own lives and sometimes come into conflict with family demands. The hardest thing in the world (well it has been for me) is to let go of your children and accept that their own lives have become more important than yours.

Having said that, I would have killed my children if they behaved in some of the ways you describe! We still have an understanding that at certain times of year - Christmas, Easter and birthdays- we try to come together asa family. It gets really complicated when the chldren have partners and are being pulled in two different directions, and not everyone always shows up, but it sort of comes together.

Maybe you are expecting too much at Christmas? Maybe you should think about simplyfying the whole thing, for example turning Christmas into a drinks rather than a whole cooked dinner? That way your children and their partners could just drop in for a while and the pressure would be off.

All their lives you have organized a fantastic Christmas for the children, and I know you still want to do so, but there comes a time when everything becomes too difficult emotionally as well as physically. You have to decide what you can do for Christmas which wouldn't leave you feeling stressed and upset. Maybe if Christmas Day is too difficult everyone could call in for a drink on Boxing Day?

Your children's behaviour is no reflection on you. No mother is perfect, no child is perfect. You are dealing with adults now, and you should be able to expect the same respect and consideration from them as you have always given them. Make a radical change to Christmas - simplyfy it so that you can still get together but without a whole lot of unrealistic expectations. It is supposed to be a happy time of year, so change some things aound so that no-one (least of all you) is under pressure. I hope it all works out,

Ellu

Hi @Dark_Olena, I have grown children & when i have spoken to other women the same, we realised that the way families function is different now to how us baby boomers grew up. Where xmas day was a full day event with our families, the younger ones now are always on the move. They want to spend time with friends and family. At graduations now there is usually a limit of 2 guests, usually just the parents which your daughter may have discussed with her brothers? The pain you talk about, i felt that to when i realised my hopes and dreams for them, was nothing like they wanted for themselves. There was many a heated talk & i remember one day going shopping and i started crying and couldnt stop. our children dont mean to hurt us, they are just getting on with their life as adults should, its just so hard on the parents. can u talk to your partner or friend how your feeling? If you kids only want to come over for an hour or so, ok, keep it simple and enjoy the time you have with them & dont let resentment eat you up, because this time will pass. I remember complaining about something my daughter was doing that i didnt agree with & she said, if you dont like it you dont have to come! I started crying i was so hurt, it wasnt her fault, it was just hard for me to let go.My thoughts are with you! Bye, @1stepup61