Lost Hope

Hi Janna,

Things sound exhausting and utterly disappointing. Please don't feel terrible about not being around on the Forums - You are dealing with enough already.

I'm sorry to hear where you and your son are at. May I ask how long has he been home for? It sounds so draining to seem like you're back at square one. Though, it might seem like things are hopefless right now, please remember that your son has shown moments of progress throughout his treatment - which means that there is potential for change. Lapsing is normal.

@Janna, to use your words, you sound 'done'. To me this says, that you're exhausted. Unfortunately, this is a place that carers can commonly find themselves - when your compassion gets worn out from being chronically stressed. I've written about it here. It doesn't mean you don't care. In fact, it often means that you've been gone above and beyond for your loved one, and put your needs aside in the process. @Janna is it possible to take a break? Even for a day or an evening? Have some time out to reflect, and consider what options you have. It might also be helpful to speak to someone.

CB

A soon as I saw the title of your post @Janna I was sad. For both of you. You were a lady with heaps of HOPE and DETERMINATION and INSIGHT and RESOURCES when you began posting on this forum. You also had more trust in the system.

Protect yourself and your sense of being a decent person and decent mum .. as top priority for a while. Engage as little as possible if that is what seems appropriate.

Let him hole up if that is what he wants.

He is probably "self educating" somewhat .. as teens still have a hunger for knowledge .. even if they are in reclusive stage .. he also may feel he is relating and connecting to others online and so therefore not feel isolated.

Is there a law that says parents are required to provide 24/7 internet access?

Access to food and water and sanitary and cooking facilities and roof and a bed .. and invitations to learn life skills ... would probably be where I would go with it.

I made my son go cold turkey a few times .. for a month .. when he was around .. 15. I never have regretted it .. and somehow he is .. learning to self regulate online .. a little.

he just interrupted me whilst posting to set up a session where he taught me one of his computer games. I also worked hard to shift his sense that I was anti computer .. that is probably why I Indulged myself when I found the forum and started staying up late .. so I could understand its "magic" pull.

He is teaching me Hearthstone .. I am pretty passive with it .. but he enjoys showing me stuff .. and I feel that positive interaction is worth a lot.

Honestly @Janna I dont know what is best for you to do.

But I hear your exhaustion, and am just replying .. and hoping it gets better.

Thanks @CherryBomb and @Appleblossom for your replies. I most certainly meet all the criteria of compassion fatigue. This would not be as soul destroyingly hard if I received a sliver of appreciation and thanks for all that I have done and continue to do. My son has been home for approx. 6-7 weeks now. He was discharged at a time of personal crisis (within 1 week of being admitted to a PECC unit for suicidality whilst at home on leave). He was dropped from the CAMHS facility like a hot rock. There has not been 1 phone call post discharge to check on his well-being. Even my car service centre calls after service to check on my satisfaction with their service and my car. No post discharge support services were enlisted or recommended .... and you know why? because there aren't any. The best the facility offered on discharge was to give me the phone number for our local acute care team which I already had. I rang every organisation I could think of from Headspace to Partners in Recovery etc etc. He falls between the cracks everywhere - too far gone for Headspace to handle as they are for "emerging" mental health disorders; too young to qualify for support from Partners in Recovery (minimum age is 24) and it goes on and on. The best I advice was to continue with weekly therapy with his psychologist!! I couldn't even find any suitable youth groups which he could join in my attempt to keep him socialised. Given that I am doing this alone with no support from anyone I'm not at all suprised that I have cracked. I am burnt out despite self-caring Thanks for listening - offloading helps.

Janna ❤️

Thanks @CherryBomb and @Appleblossom for your replies. I most certainly meet all the criteria of compassion fatigue. This would not be as soul destroyingly hard if I received a sliver of appreciation and thanks for all that I have done and continue to do. My son has been home for approx. 6-7 weeks now. He was discharged at a time of personal crisis (within 1 week of being admitted to a PECC unit for suicidality whilst at home on leave). He was dropped from the CAMHS facility like a hot rock. There has not been 1 phone call post discharge to check on his well-being. Even my car service centre calls after service to check on my satisfaction with their service and my car. No post discharge support services were enlisted or recommended .... and you know why? because there aren't any. The best the facility offered on discharge was to give me the phone number for our local acute care team which I already had. I rang every organisation I could think. He falls between the cracks everywhere - too far gone for some to handle as they only deal with "emerging" mental health disorders; too young to qualify for others, and it goes on and on. The best I advice was to continue with weekly therapy with his psychologist!! I couldn't even find any suitable youth groups which he could join in my attempt to keep him socialised. Given that I am doing this alone with no support from anyone I'm not at all suprised that I have cracked. I am burnt out despite self-caring Thanks for listening - offloading helps.

Janna ❤️

Hello @Janna,

I also couldn't help but notice just how exhausted and burnt out from the past year you are, I am so sorry to hear about the lack of follow up after your son's treatment in hospital and that you are feeling like all your unconditional love, care and support has been taken for granted.

I am sure one day you will look back and your son will be able to appreciate all that you have done, perhaps like @Appleblossom said, he is going through a reclusive stage as a teenager and wanting to be alone in his own world. All you can do is check in on him every now and then and encourage him, but please start to do some things for you, only you. This is really important for you as well as your son.

Have you been able to see anyone and talk about how you are coping right now?

Lunar

Thanks @Former-Member. The problem is that I do incorporate a lot of self-care on a regular basis, but it clearly isn't enough. I think I need a holiday, or a longer break. I'm only able to sneak a few hours in here and there, and the occasional overnighter at a friends place. It's been a long time since I have been able to get a change of scenery and some time out. I think what tips me over is that I also live with my aged 87 year old mum. She's generally very good, but she is aged, she also has needs and is becoming increasingly dependant on me. Just this week she slipped over and had a fall in the shower but thankfully only ended up with bruising. Then my 22 year old daughter has micro-episodes of extreme neediness and abhorrent behaviour because she gets jealous of the attention that her brother gets, and that's not to mention her own anxiety issues. Argh ..... I could literally scream sometimes.

I have spoken to various people from various organisations and no-one to date has been able to direct me to any service that could be of some help. I see a psychologist on a regular basis, but again that 50 minute session barely scratches the surface of my problems and she also is at a loss as to what to recommend other than for me to continue employing as many destressing and self-caring activities as I can to prevent the overwhelm from happening. Again this only works with limited success.

Offloading here helps a little as well; it drills a tiny hole into the bottom of my stress bucket and helps to reduce it filling up to the top and overflowing.

Janna ❤️

Hi @Janna

It's great to hear that you are finding snippets of time to use as self care, so important for us all to remember to regualrly engage in self care. With everything you are juggling at the moment it really is great to hear, I'm wondering if you feel that it is enough at the moent? Sometimes adjustments might be needed.

I know for myself finding the time, making the time and acknowledging the time I take as self care are all importtant parts of it. For example, if I have chosen to take my dog out for a walk I find it more benefical to acknowldege that I have made time and taken time out for myself rather than just doing it. Its that acknowledgemnt that seems to help me recognise and rememebr that I do use self care.

I hear you feel you need a longer break like a holiday or a bigger piece of time, one thing that poped into my mind when I read your post was respite. Wondering if that might be an option for your mum to access respite in your local community which might help take a lottle off your plate at the moment?

I hope you continue to offload here and we can help open up those holes in your stress bucket to let more out.

Take Care.

Pebbles 🙂

@Janna I know what you mean about the lack of post discharge support. I guess its just keep the weekly appointment.

Maybe socialisation options will open up later, if he can reduce his distress and get back into the mood for the company of others and not lean on you so much.

I would be talking about genuine feelings and affections and even drop a comment about good sexuality .. in the car .. snippets here or there .. just for due diligence re that area of life... not requiring agreement or understanding .. but that he gets where YOU are about those issues.

There was a period (5ish years) in my son's life that if I touched him he would have gotten very annoyed .. I am wondering if your boy is in that mode .. we have passed that .. and can exchange appropriate affection now .. in a range of ways.

Have you read @Faith-and-Hope stories about her baby dragons?

Find a way .. to acknowledge bad behaviour without condoning or escalating conflict .. "being a grumpy bum" .. or whatever works for your family. I always find it works best if I admit to a grumpy bum moment first .. then later others get the idea .. my son has apologised to me when out of hand and it has been the most wonderful music for my ears .. mostly though .. he is back to being a pleasure to live with, complies with minimum board and odd jobs.

Please dont lose ALL hope. I pray you and your children get through this period, with Chrissie coming up there are still probably hurdles.

Use Self Realisation goals in your talk with him .. but dont buy into any negative goals caused by SI.

Gentleigh Bentleigh with you.

On the run here, so short on time to respond at the moment .... but love what you've written @Appleblossom ....

Teens are an emotional cocktail at the best of times, and they often mistake rudeness for being assertive in their immaturity .... so even if they're calling you names and being obnoxious, try not to take it personalky .... they are big babies in fact .... teenaged toddlers .... imagine them in nappies if it helps ....

@Janna

Hugs ....

💗💕💐❣

hello @Janna

You have come to the end of your tether. You are a human being with feelings and emotions of your own.

You feel that you have done all that you can for your son. The so called organisations that are supposed to be there to support you clearly have not, if at all, not done their job.

You are drained, exhausted, fatigued and have no energy left for anyone not even yourself.

you have been let down by the mental health system.

your love for your son is still there buried in all of the disarray. You just dont have the strength or energy to even think about it, let alone look for it.

I think that you have reached a state where auto defence has kicked in survival of yourself. you are just in a robotic state at the moment.

No surprise. You have faced unbelievable grief and bureaucrats.

I am in the process now of trying to locate my missing adult son, diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia whilst detained in publichealth system. the so call ed mental health team assigned to him, whom supposedly offer so much support to him and family according to the paperwork are a waste of space. The care coordinator who has hardly contacted me at all. i have been doing all the ringing around gleaming information, doing sleuth work. she finally contacted me for the first time a couple of days ago. she was assigned to my son in october. she did not like the fact that i questioned her role, what she had been doing, she just wanted to talk at me in a condescending, intimidating tone. I just kept asking more questions , my anxiety heightened but not rude or aggressive just forceful my husband described it. i call it being assertive. she asked me as i was following up could i please keep the team informed. my response was why theyhadnt with me. well then i was told that i was rude and she hung up on me. so much for support when you are out of your mind with worry because you have been told that your son is seriously ill and needs immediate assessment and treatment. he has gone interstate.

so yes i understand how you fee. do not feel guilty. do not feel that you have let your son down. your love is still there and you will find it and feel it again. just for now be gentle with yourself and take little steps in your day to day stuff. i dont have a magic wand or any magical answers ;i wish i did i truly do as i bawl my eyes out in writing to you. i just want my real son back. i want to hug him and let him know how much i still love him and no matter what he must never forget that. He has verbally abused me and sent me horrible text messages and his dad too. this is the unwell side of him. he does not behave like that when he is well.

the interstate mental health team who are meant to go out and assess himn were supposed to ring me last night. 4.14pm today and nothing. so i am going to give them a call. if i dont get any help from them. i am going to ring the hospital. im not sure after that but i am not giving up on my son. take care. be gentle with yourself so that when you are ready you can start from page 1 with your beautiful son.

I believe that people who have schizophrenia or similar illnesses are gifted and are on a higher senses level than us and that is why they cant be diagnosed properly.

so i am looking for my beautiful, gifted, son.