brainumbContributor
Damaged beyond repair: TW: DV, SA
New here… Suffering with C-PTSD, severe anxiety and panic attacks, social anxiety and depressive disorder.
My story (in short)
- Childhood trauma - my dad suffered from schizophrenia and I saw violence growing up. I also saw him suffer with his mental health in a time when there wasn’t as much support or awareness as there is today. Schizophrenia is a very scary, and lonely disease.
……………
- I was in a VERY severe domestic violent relationship in my adult life, for reference I met my ex when I was 20 - I am now 30 years old. I suffered physical violence under his hand, sexual violence, stalking, financial abuse, isolation and psychological aggression, including extreme threats. He was a professional boxer and I was hospitalised 7 times in 6 years (broken ribs, collapsed lungs, broken bones, bruises, cuts and scars and a near miscarriage) and that’s just the physical trauma. He is now in prison and he narcissistically believes he shouldn’t be there and I am to blame. I have suffered victim blaming, (police pressure with no support) PTSD, flashbacks, permanent physical injuries and I live in constant fear for my life.
- Child taken from my care - due to my ex partner being an extremely violent offender DOCS got involved and took my son away from me because they thought I couldn’t protect him from his fathers abuse so he was placed in the care of my family.
- Drug abuse - I turned to drugs to numb my pain (my ex introduced them to me) I am now 3 years clean but it will be an ongoing battle I will have to fight for the rest of my life.
- Jail time - I have spent time in jail as I didn’t have any respect for the law or myself and ended up in awful situations with the wrong people. I lost a lot of time in there sadly. But most of all I regret all of the terrible decisions I made and the people I hurt along the way.
- Grief from losing parent + a grandparent - I lost my father due to gun violence he was living in the USA so I never got to say goodbye.
My grandmother passed when I was heavily addicted to drugs so I barely made it to her funeral and I carry that guilt everyday.
- Grief from losing a loved one - my best friend of 12 years died from drug abuse and was left to die, and I wish I could have done more for him. I wish I could have saved him.
- Severe dog mauling/attack - I was attacked by 2 large dogs in 2020 at a ‘friends’ property. They both mauled me on the ground at the same time, and then they were shot by the police and I was hospitalised for weeks. But now I live with very deep and harsh scars all over my legs and body and have formed an extreme phobia of dogs.
I have nightmares and flashbacks of the attack everyday and night.
l find it hard to leave the house in fear of this (especially on walks, in public, or if I have to go to someone’s home if they own a dog)
I used to be a social butterfly growing up but now I find it difficult to make friends or to find anyone who can even begin to understand anything I’ve been through (including Drs and professionals) I don’t leave the house much and I have lost all confidence in myself as a human being. I try to be strong for my family but I feel broken and damaged and out of place.
I just can’t go the rest of my life carrying all of this pain around. So I thought maybe I could just write it down.
These traumatic things I’ve been through are not for sympathy but to find anyone who can relate to even the smallest thing.
Im hoping to heal and gain confidence to save my mental health.
So if there is anyone out there that has had similar experiences I’d love to connect. My story is long, hard and complicated but it would be nice to not feel so alone.
Thankyou for reading.
Drowning in depression and anxiety
Complex mental illness, failed by the system and suffering
PTSD due to domestic violence?
Surviving CPTSD
Paralysed and lost with: Stress, anxiety, domestic violence, Narcassist, epilepsy
When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs
3 year cycle. (Long long story)
TW: Psychosis and being charged by the police
