i don’t know

me and my mum have such a bad relationship and can’t even talk to each other anymore, whenever she’s nice, which is rare, i don’t feel comfortable and hate the affection she gives me. all she ever does is talk bad about me yell at me and other stuff i don’t feel like sharing. she says stuff like “i should just die” to me and my younger siblings to make us scared and feel bad for her. seeing other people have such a good relationship with their mums just breaks my heart cause that’s all i ever want. my mum also says that i’m ugly and she should have just left me to die. but sometimes she can be a good mum i guess. if i forget to do the dishes or accidentally leave my clothes somewhere she will get so mad and it’s like the most scariest thing i experience, my biggest fear is my own mother. then she goes and rants about how i’m lazy when i forget to do ONE thing, she also mentally abuses my dad and i feel so bad for him he’s already done with her. i don’t wanna say i want a new mum but i just want a mum who loves me and treats me well because i just want to experience that. it’s not only my mum that’s been making me feel unhappy but it’s also kinda boys, i’m young so i’ve never wanted to date until one night this guy started messaging me telling me that he really likes me and was asking me out and i’ve said no multiple times but he couldn’t take it for an answer so then i started saying idk, he kept guilt tripping me and made me feel so bad that i had to say yes. throughout this relationship he would talk about me sexually and make me feel uncomfortable, one time we were forced to hug and then he went off to tell his friends that he felt my boobs and their big. he would ask me to send nudes and i didn’t know what to do, lucky enough i was in the right mind not to send anything he asked for, he would say really weird stuff to me and sometimes i still get uncomfortable from it but i couldn’t leave him because he would say to me he would die if we ever broke up, and then i found out about him vaping after he promised me he would never do it again before we even dated and then he knew i was unhappy about it and thought i was going to break up with him but i was just going to talk to him because i cared and wanted him to stop for him and his health, he then broke up with me in front of everyone at school and grabbed his friends and stuff and it was really embarrassing and i just wanted to breakdown and cry but i acted like i didn’t care. that same day he started talking and walking around with another girl and started dating her a day after, he also started talking bad about me after the break up which confused me sooo much, not only that, when we were dating he would never talk to me but talk to other calls. and then about a month or 2 later this guy called mj asked me out and i said i wanted to get to know him more, we started talking and he was really nice, funny, caring and matched me so well. he actually cared about me and wanted something with me, he would tell me i look pretty almost everyday and was never weird, we would hug multiple times a day and i loved our conversations so much. i knew he loved me and so did everyone else, we then started dating and everyone loved us together so much, we were the cutest couple and he made me sooo happy and feel so loved for the first time. he even took my first kiss, there’s so much i could say about mj. he not only cared about me but he cared about my family like he would ask me how’s family and stuff, my friends would always catch him staring at me and even sometimes i would, i loved him so much my friends were so tired of hearing about him and me saying “my mannn” but then one day he moved to perth and we became long distance, we only lasted 3 months, he would text me, talk to me the same, then people started spreading rumours saying he was cheating. me and almost all my friends messaged him asking if it’s true and he said promised me no and i believe him, but even his friends were saying it but i still believe him because mjs a sweetheart he would never do that, even if he did i still won’t believe it. i loved him so much and i think i still do. but like now every single day i get this feeling and i don’t even know how to explain it or what it is, i just feel so sad and can’t do anything about it but i just wanna be happy.