Josie72Senior Contributor
“Your not alone” BUT I always feel alone.
Hi,
I wasn’t sure where to post this but this forum seemed most relevant.
So much in this world the statement is made “Your not alone” in relation to others being is the same situation. I know it is stated as a point of support but it’s never made any sense to me and largely feels like a slap in the face and devalues my sense of feeling alone.
I know there are many in the world that suffer but just because I suffer with my own demons doesn’t mean I’m there for them or they for me. We all have similarities. We all have differences. There are variables for all of us that make us unique.
I think what it is that rubs me the wrong way with this statement is that I don’t have a deep connection to anyone. I have borderline personality disorder - relationships and connecting is the hardest of things for me. I have relationships. I’ve had some deep relationships but they don’t last. I become “too much” for people. For those that have a need to support - I drain them dry and they leave. Many just don’t get my variables. Although I have one friend atm who see’s the different versions of me. He enjoys the up ones, supports the down ones, accepts the in between ones. Jokes about which one shows up at different times. I also support him with his issues and help him understand others like me.
BUT I have absolutely no one that I can talk to that really understands… not any more. My mum pasted away in July. She understood much of me, more than anyone else. She accepted and encouraged me.
I’ve fought this battle solidly for many years. I’ve been really good for the last few but the passing of my mum has put me in a new place.
I’ve felt alone before, I accepted and embraced it. I found strength in being alone so the feeling of loneliness dissipated to the point I rarely felt it but since my mum’s passing. It’s come back in full and worse than ever. She has left a void that can not be replaced but is filled with a deep sense of loneliness. In large part I believe do the the fact she was the deepest, longest standing connection I had and grieving for her and that connection. Accepting that it’s gone and learning to live life with it, with out her. She was my mum, I knew it would happen one day. I was hoping for more time but hey, don’t we all. I always knew it would be bad but trying to rebalance life without her, coming to terms with this new form on loneliness… This I am struggling with.
I am largely good… like all things me, I have accepted her passing, I’m doing all the self care, I’m doing grief counselling which has helped. Logically, I’m moving on and getting on with life… Emotionally… damn emotions… Emotionally I’m not good. I’m getting hit with waves of emotions, my anxiety is stupid. I’m struggling to leave my house and be normal in the world. I can’t keep up the fascard so good atm so I stay at home a lot and avoid the world. I’m making plans and moving forward, I’m doing what I have to do. I have a clear path ahead of me and I forge ahead with hope with the knowledge that this too will pass. It always does. I will come to terms with it all. It will evolve, I will evolve and change.
This is the ending to my ‘upper’ family. It’s now just me and my adult children. This element I am happy with. It allows me to fully let go of my family trauma, clean the slate and start fresh. To stand in my strength and new sense of myself, be who I am without my family instead of in spite of them.
