Confused - again

This might seem odd, but I suspect it's quite common.

My diagnoses are bipolar 1 and alcohol use disorder.

I find myself in two minds about things.

1. Psychology is a young science, rapidly evolving, and the diagnosis criteria is vague, fluid, and many symptoms are transitory. So the names of our 'illness' are helpful for categorising but there's very little targeted treatment except medicate (sedate) and talk about it (counseling, psychotherapy, etc). Even that is truly hit and miss, being directed largely by the sick person. (Yeah, there's some skeptic in me lol)

2. Surely there's some element of usefulness if not complete truth to all this, since it's not just me who's experiencing these set of symptoms, even if they are widely varied. So, what behaviours do I exhibit that might be an indicator of my disorder? ie, If I feel energetic, is it a sign I'm leading toward a manic episode? If I start getting busy with tasks or a little edgy about things am I getting manic? I'm listening for voices in my head to see if I have hallucinations! I'm paranoid, but that's a symptom too!

(make that 3 minds)

3. I don't know what I don't know. I'm often asking my partner if she notices me acting oddly. I know I get in my head a lot, and this morning she asked if I was ok, being concerned that I hadn't spoken much but was staring into space a bit. I think, a lot. But there's a lot going on. I often don't know what it is that drives my emotions. I can pinpoint the specific thoughts I have on any subject. But, like yesterday, I was talking to the receptionist at the GP and just burst into tears and had to leave. I'm just on the edge so often. What causes this? Is this 40+ years of pent up overwhelm? Unexpressed emotion? It takes me months to trust someone enough to even talk about the stuff that's surface level shit in my head, let alone the really troubling stuff. Stuff nobody knows. I'm embarrassed and ashamed all the time. I feel like me and I don't know any different. But to others, my thoughts, beliefs, and actions might be observably strange. But how do I know?

Honestly, I'm afraid to get excited about anything now (have been for a while, tbh).

But I also can't sit still and do nothing or I'll spiral into a depression (that's probably normal though, right? I mean, life involves living).

I'm stuck.

I get stuck a lot.

If I work, I get too much money and so something stupid when I get overwhelmed because I go in so hard with everything I do.

If I don't work so I am safe from temptation to a large degree but them I feel useless and what's the point? I'm still a slave to c-link for cash and that's degrading as hell.

Whatever I choose, I'm gonna lose. 😕

This is a bit of a ramble but I don't really know how to express this, but I gave it a shot. 🤷‍♂️

~ K