PrincesBlobsCasual Contributor
Tired of the journey
Please note: mentions of suicidal thoughts but I am safe and have supports in place.
Diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, ptsd & C-PTSD
In my early 30’s now: rough childhood, emotionally disturbing experiences, continuous bullying, moved countries, cross cultural pressures and pain, raised in poverty and was a particularly defiant teenager with addiction and mental health issues. Self harm and suicide were constant companions. I eventually became homeless.
With support from an agency I studied, got a traineeship, got a great job, fell in love, worked on my personal issues and mental health, reconnected with family etc…
Flash forward a decade and the work environment became toxic. 6 months of relentless & targeted bullying (emotional and physical) and suddenly it all came back. Along with something different, panic attacks, severe depression, constant fear and hyper-vigilance.
Workers comp has seen me try every medication, provided me a bipolar diagnosis and many others. I experienced a medication induced psychotic episode. The medication experience has been bad. Very very bad. I have every doctor available to me and I am so lucky for this. I ceased medication 8 months ago and it’s made an incredibly positive difference but…
I am not the same person I was and I am ashamed. I am tired of working every day to simply get out of bed. To fight through compo. To eat. To drive. To answer a phone. I’ve lost the person I love during this. And struggled to move. I am lonely having lost my friends to what happened at work or during my episode. I am tired. I have thoughts of suicide but strong coping skills and supports in place.
sometimes I am so angry for what happened in that 6 months at work because it wasn’t fair and I am so profoundly affected by it.
I wanted to share this to not feel alone. I’m looking for some kind words of encouragement and understanding. I am looking for anyone who has a similar story. I am okay.
