New to this space and struggling

Is talking on a forum like this helpful?

I have been told so.

This is a new experience for me.

I am in my 50's and bravely so people say (foolishly I often think) decided to start to talk about my childhood trauma and even report the perpetrators to police, in which a open investigation is still in process. (and I could add a tonne of negative words about how the system is not there to support any victim at all - it's taking far to long to work through and far to expensive to get the professional support I need) I have had to do most of the work myself to find support. And it's just far to expensive.

I had been able to hid the pain inside until covid. I had been able to work hard and stay busy and all the pain I could run from, then the world stopped and I stopped and memories just couldn't be repressed any longer.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety, major depression, C-PTSD. I go in and out of suicidal ideation and battle really hard to not self-harm. And I have gone from a professional (functional) lead secondary school teacher to not being able to work or even get up out of bed a lot of the time.

In the last few months I have moved and this move has brought back lots of triggers and huge (totally not logically) fear that I am unsafe. Several days a week I am here also on my own, while my husband who is amazing, travels for work.

So I feel trapped, isolated, alone, abandoned (yet again).

I need to stay on alert when he is not here, my body just doesn't shut down at all and go to sleep at night.

I need to know I am not alone. This all feels too impossible to live through.

I really don't know next steps and I like knowing a plan.

We are running out of money -eating away at our savings and that just adds to the guilt of being unwell and not able to 'get fixed'. My husband earn decent money - so I have never looked into what I might be eligible for, but I think I am going to have to, as we are going to have to funds from somewhere. And that just adds to the shame and guilt I feel. It makes me feel so hopeless. But I am trying hard to stay away from the suicidal word. Maybe if I post here and find some encouragement, maybe if I encourage someone else or text a friend (who may answer and now live ages away) maybe if I do, it will take my mind of me and change my feelings. Just maybe - but it's not been my experience so far.

Anyway that is my beginning ramble.

Any suggestions, any ideas, any support, any late night encouragement would be most welcome.