Feeling of not living past 30

• Growing up, I've always had a beliefs I wouldn't live long, it wasn't necessarily a distressing thought to me but it was a thought that'd always assumed was a fact. I wouldn't survive past 30, as a teen the thought kind of changed a little too, I can't imagine having too wake up everyday and face this hell, if natrual causes don't take me, its likely I won't continue to expose myself to this much longer. A few times before turning 18 I'd acted on these intrusive thoughts and was quite reckless. After 18 and my first child, although I still had unhealthy thoughts, I knew that there is no way I could tap out on my own trauma and pass a whole lot more on too a child I placed in this world. I still thought I wouldn't make it past 30, knowing I had a child, the thought was distressing, it made me sad thinking of not being there when she needed me. Fast forward, 2 kids later a marriage, a whole lot of trauma, I'm 27ish (memory is so bad) still alive, trying my best to cope and manage like everyone else with all these really distressing thoughts, starting to realise that I'm actually going to make it for a future I never thought or prepared to have, I'm not so quick to go with the flow, I start looking at things more closely because it actually feels like I'm going to be here for what happens AFTER, start doing work on me because I have to live with me for a long time, I want to make sure I like me and I'm the best mother to my children that I can be, discover I'm asd and adhd, my parenting struggles (the thing I found most distressing that always made me try and reach out for help) and life struggles that I carried so much guilt and self resentment for, were related to symptoms that I'd never been able to pin point before now. All while trying to run a household with 3 not so typical kids and trying my best too minimise stress to my husband who has his own schizophrenia diagnosis.

I'm almost 31 today, I've been through more than I can put into words, I have support for the first time in a long time with care for my children and I feel like the biggest idiot for the mess I've made of a life. My life potentially could of been great if I thought I was going to be here to enjoy it, so many situations where I didn't help myself the way I should of. Or where I should of put myself first, had I believed my life was important.

Anyway, just venting. I wish someone could tell me what I needed because the things I've thought I've needed, have never helped in the way I'd hoped.