toeringNew Contributor
Bpd and Relationships
Hi! I’m new, and I don’t really do this kind of thing often but I’ve just been struggling so much with these intense internal feelings. It’s more annoying than it is uncomfortable, which somehow makes me feel even worse. I guess im just venting, but any advice would be appreciated.
About a month ago, I started seeing someone. I like him quite a bit and we ended up going on a few dates before sort of just ending up in that vague land of monogamous dating but not putting labels onto eachother. I like the pace, but I’m just so utterly crazy. I get like tunnel visions with relationships, it gets to the point where I’ll be spending the majority of the day thinking about him, even in the back of my mind. Im constantly stressed, worried I’m not funny enough, pretty enough, or just I'm not the one for him. And he’s a chill nice guy, which is fun! But when you’ve spent the majority of your past relationships with intense abusive guys and people also love to rush into relationships it’s unsettling to have someone who’s so fine with whatever. I’ve never had a relationship that didn’t immediately devolve into “I love you”s after the first three weeks. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know im not and this is how most healthy adult relationships form but it’s still weird for me. And on top of that I need so much validation I feel like I’m pushing him away. I keep saying things or asking questions like “is everything alright with us?”, etc, and I know it can be annoying and a lot for people. He’s aware I have bpd but I think most people can’t fully grasp what it’s like to date someone with it until they have, and usually then they never want to do it again. I don’t think anyone can really understand what it’s like to have it unless they, well, have it. But I just hope he doesn’t find me annoying, because I know I can be.
I guess I’m just doing my best, and I have noticed progress. I’ll take being annoying over breaking down in tears or becoming passive aggressive every time I sense anything remotely close to disinterest. But I still am scared, and I can’t sleep most nights because I hate being alone right now. All I think about is him and that’s insane of me. Does it get better? Or am I just going to keep reverting to toxic and self destructive patterns? I really want this to work, but I’m afraid the problem might just be me and my brain. Does anyone have experience with this/bpd, and continued to find fulfilling and loving relationships? Do you have any tips?
sorry for the long rant, I guess I just have alot to say. I keep telling myself if it doesn’t work out this is at least exposure therapy
