What are feelings / appropriate feelings?

Hi @Former-Member

I think we've probably all be there to a certain extent (but in no way trivialising what you're going through). I have put my foot in it with people or kids at school. sometimes quite badly. I feel awful afterwards, which i think is normal if you're a caring person. But we all make mistakes, or do things that if we had more knowledge at the time we would do it differently if we could go back. Sounds like your husband has tried to reassure you that you did the best you could do with the information you had at the time. Sometimes theres just no way to avoid certain outcomes... and i'm leaping to a conclusion that you probably had very little control over the actual outcome.

I have always found your responses here on the forums to be caring and thoughtful. I'm glad you've posted here tonight,

lj

Hello @Former-Member

We all make mistakes and it was great that both and your partner admitted it but did not get upset or into a dither about it.

I really like the title of this thread. I had a conversation today at rehearsal about this topic. We both had a big sciencey side. he started out with 'I dont have special feelings or get all the feeling talk " which was great as I could so agree.

I was never the one who was allowed to define appropriate feelings or appropriate anything .. and ran into a bit of trouble as a music teacher as feelings are an integral part of music making.

I spent most of my childhood listening to other girls tell me all about their sensitive feelings for this and such and for so. I was never given much leeway to express my self in mentioning feelings and so mostly supported the person I was with.

After 30 years of therapy and a lot of body and feeling work. I ask the same questions as you. Now I have been enjoying my music making and putting a lot of the "feeling" stuff in context. I have always felt I had feelings .. but just never knew the words to describe them. Still learning ..

I tend to be very careful about presuming and ask questions of I am unsure about an issue.

I also work with "I statements" rather than you statements. it is not that I am talking about myself that much, but that I am on SOLID ground when I speak my own truth. As I am more confident in my socialising .. I call out those who tend to do the "you statements" .. which are often a type of blame or projection ..

I then got cranky with all the "feelings police" types ...

I also mention Martin Buber .. and "I, thou, & it" if it seems relevant. That is if 2 people are conversing .. there is an "I" and a "you" and the physical world ..

Being in touch with feelings can give us a guide to what is going .. on .. but i steer well away from "psychics" or "intuitives" who are telling me who I am .. which has happened a lot .. I am more interested in them telling me about themselves .. and if they are too chicken to share honestly .. and insist on projecting on to me .. we dont get much of a friendship or dialogue going.

I think we all have to use our own conscience .. and check in a bit with others .. but not deny our own sense of things.

The RC church .. also has a concept .. I find very interesting in these times when the hierarchy is a bit on the nose ... "sensus fidelium" .. it related to the spirit of the times .. and the sense of the truth of the people ...

"appropriate" .. is TOTALLY about CONTEXT.

my 2 cents worth .. not policing anything ..

Apple

Great discussion topic @Former-Member, thanks for sharing with us.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling guilty... maybe you don't need to be worried and everything will turn out alright in the end? You husband sounds really supportive of you.

@Former-Member, you made a mistake, you didn't intentionally set out to cause harm. It could happen to anyone... we all make mistakes.

As for 'feelings', do you mean emotions? I'm assuming that you do mean emotions - and is there a difference between feelings and emotions, or are they one in the same?

I think every emotion that we feel has it's place. It's how we react and what we do and say with that emotion that can be judged 'appropriate' or 'inappropriate' by others. The emotion itself just exists... it doesn't require any justification. You simply feel what you feel.

For example, anger is a common emotion. Everyone feels it from time to time. It's extremely unpleasant, however you should not attempt to bury it or avoid it, as it tells you something very important about yourself. Anger lets you know what you will or wont accept in life... it's a very important indicator.

It's the behavior associated with anger that gets bad press- violence, aggression, verbal abuse. You can absolutely be angry and choose not engage in any of these, and so your behavior will be judged "appropriate".

However, it does get a bit more complex; as what we collectively call 'appropriate' is actually socially and culturally constructed. There are a lot of grey areas because different social groups would have different codes of behavior.

Just for example; in my husband's culture, it's perfectly normal and 'appropriate' to constantly interrupt a person when they are speaking, to talk over the top of them and to actively debate and negate what the are saying!! Amazing but true! If you go over to his country, everyone carries on like this! You would think they were arguing and being rude to each other, but no, it's perfectly normal and acceptable for them to behave this way.

@Teej @Shaz51 @Queenie @Sahara @Bast @Sans911 @Former-Member @CheerBear

Do you think this is important?

@Phoenix_Rising Does DBT talk about cultural difference and feelings?

I still puzzle about this stuff.

@Teej @Shaz51 @Queenie @Sahara @Bast @Sans911 @lisajane @CheerBear

Hi all wonderful people

Just loved these reflective and thought provoking posts. I believe that the feelings & emotions terminology is interchangable. However, sometimes we all become mixed up in the thought, emotions and feelings. Unfortunately this may result in a firm belief that this is the actual reality we are experiencing. for example, I make a mistake, I feel bad/sad/horrid and on it goes. I extrapolate this into the next phase - I am a failure, I am stupid, I always to this and on and on it goes. The feeling bad becomes distress/ self punishment and horribly negative reinforcement of who we believe we are at our very core.

A mistake is just that. Did the world end, can it be rectified or learnt from? I liken this to a decison made with due regard to the circumstances, on occassion limited information, inability to obtain clarity and the natural progession of personal core beliefs. It is the self blame and guilt that make 'the mistake' such a resounding disaster.

It is therefore the thought that is the 'driver' of the frequently overwhelming emotional tirade. To know that I have made a mistake is in so many ways an experience of personal guidance. Mistakes are unlikely to be intractable; it is important to question the reality of the thoughts that occur as a result and endeavour to name the emotions/feelings that are concurrent.

Try hard to question the thought - a mistake is not our entire being ever. There is no 'normal' we are who we are - A person who struggles. A person who has many achievements, qualities, skills, values and wisdom beyond any diagnosis.

Bastless and Odin

Hello @Appleblossom, @Bast, @Sahara

sometimes we all become mixed up in the thought, emotions and feelings. , yes it is tricky , it is hard , do you speak too soon or say something that you should of kept your mouth closed