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I posted before about experiencing intimate partner sexual abuse. I've told him I want to leave. He seemed oblivious to what had happened and that I was upset about it. He keeps doing things to get me to stay and has been very kind and friendly, though there are still aspects of control such as always asking who I am talking to on text/messenger etc.
Now because nothing sexual has happened recently I'm second guessing my decision. I go between being confident and ready to leave, not wanting to tolerate that behaviour anymore, I think I need to show my daughter what is acceptable and that it's okay to be a strong, independent woman. If she was in this situation I would tell her to leave. Then I switch to maybe it wasn't that bad and that it was only a few times (this year). Maybe he'll change. He says he will. He keeps apologising. He says we can fix it. Honestly, I don't know if I want to.
I still feel leaving is the best option but I'm not used to putting my needs first. It's an odd concept for me. In my heart I still love him but as a friend, not a partner. I guess I need reassurance that leaving is okay.
If you feel uncomfortable for any amount of time, he is making you feel uneasy about innocent communication your feelings are real and it is important you. That is not normal behaviour from someone who sincerely cares about you, it is not healthy. Do you have support from any family or friends? Is it only you and your daughter in the house?
In response to: What now? Is leaving okay?
Blackbird11Senior Contributor
Re: What now? Is leaving okay?
Hi @JJQT
Glad you are here. Your situation sounds tough, but you sound strong and ready. I too am not comfortable with putting my needs first, in this instance it's imperative you do. not just for you but for your daughter too. I encourage you to contact Home | 1800RESPECT and talk it through with them. You are worthy to be treated right, you are important and so very loved. We're here for you Get support (sane.org)
In response to: Re: What now? Is leaving okay?
JJQTCasual Contributor
Re: What now? Is leaving okay?
We moved to the other end of the country a few years ago after something similar happened for a fresh start. I don't have family here at all. A couple of friends but almost my entire support network is over 3000km away. My mother always tends to blame things on me. When I mentioned there were issues (she doesn't know specifics) she said I need to concentrate less on my career and more on my relationship.
In terms of who lives at home, there is me, my husband, my daughter and my son. They are both still primary school aged.
In response to: Re: What now? Is leaving okay?
FlotsamSenior Contributor
Re: What now? Is leaving okay?
@JJQT
Any chance you could take the kids to see family without your partner? Might give you a chance to clear your head and get some perspective. Abusers often isolate their partners and “make it up to” them after the abuse. I too think it would be good for you to talk to someone. I look back now on the behaviours I tolerated and can’t understand why I stayed so long. It is very understandable, we minimise the harm and trauma. I hope you find the strength to leave, you deserve to not be afraid.
In response to: Re: What now? Is leaving okay?
BlueBellsSenior Contributor
Re: What now? Is leaving okay?
Hi @JJQT
I struggled in a bad relationship for years, though not as bad as yours, I'm thinking.
A counsellor wanted me to go to an half-way house, as she believed it would shake him to his senses, but I refused as I blamed myself 100% and was unable to see his faults. I also stayed for all the wrong reasons. I see that now, 20 odd years later !
I read a book some years ago, not sure if I can say name or author, but one comment was, if there is any abuse, physical or mental/emotional, then leaving is the only option.
You can already see, and more importantly, accept, that there is domestic violence, and for your own sake, and that of the children, you are so fortunate to have crossed that bridge.
I believe you know you need to leave, but as to how to do that, I have no idea. Maybe others on here can offer suggestions, maybe Moderators have links to support networks in your area.
Please, do not feel like a failure, know that his behaviour is not your responsibility, nor is his happiness.
Wishing you all the best, and lots of hugs oxoxox
You are so much stronger than I was when I was in the middle of it. You are pretty awesome, girl !!
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