Having a difficult time - C-PTSD - male with intense panic and fear surrounding dating/intimacy

Hi everyone

This is my first post here

I spent 5 1/2 years in a bad relationship. To cut a long story short, it involved a lot of psychological abuse and so many aspects of my life were under the control of my ex. The most damaging aspect of this time was that I was forced to have sex even though I didn't want to; however when at times my body wouldn't respond (seems normal to not find an abusive person attractive in retrospect), I was yelled/screamed at. It was honestly like world war three. I didn't know how to deal with all this back then and I stayed with her honestly believing any issues with intimacy, or the relationship in general were my fault.

I left her just over 2 years ago and have been single in that time. Initially once the trauma-bond started to ease, I felt a sense of peace that I enjoyed. Now days I do deal with intense loneliness and in some ways want some kind of deeper connection with someone.

Last week a close friend of mine (female) sent me a message that gently hinted she took a romantic interest in me. We've been good friends for a while now.

Instead of feeling flattered or feeling good about this, I plunged into an intense panic episode that's lasted most of last week, it's been totally debilitating. I'm terrified of any form of intimacy, especially anything physical, to the point where I feel physically nauseous... this was all caused by one very innocuous message . I don't know even if I am attracted to my friend in that way, I can't even think that clearly with all this fear and panic.

I replied to this message, in a friendly way but didn't really encourage that direction of conversation, and we did catch up yesterday , with others, and things seemed a little awkward at first but were better as the afternoon went on.

I feel sick with guilt, worried I've hurt her... also absolutely sick of this intense panic and fear. I want to be able to accept compliments from females, and ones I'm attracted to, and even eventually date again... but instead I freeze and invariably push people away.

I feel so utterly alone and hopeless at the moment, I never chose to be abused and I'd sure never choose to live like this.

I'm hoping others on the forum might be able to empathise and/or offer me some advice? I'd be very grateful.