JustMe48Senior Contributor
Realisations and guilt ...
I'm 48 years old and escaped the UK 10 years ago to live here in Australia. I say "escaped" because that's how it felt. I'd always had this longing, from a young age, to be anywhere but with my family. In my early teens, I longed to jump on a bus and start a new life because no-one seemed to get me. I never felt I belonged. From a very young age, I craved my mother's validation and love ... sometimes it would be forthcoming and other times distant and disjointed. Dad sat on the fence and my sister craved attention from anywhere she could get it. I stayed in the background, "the strong one" they called it.
There were times that I felt my mother was jealous of my relationship with my father and she made it known, "I might as well not be here with you two" and she meant it. As I grew up, I became my mother's mother. She relied on me heavily with her problems, her emotions, her need to be validated, her need to be loved and belong. She often said "Don't tell you dad, he'll just get frustrated with me", so I started living with secrets. Suicide talk, hatred for my sister "I love her because she's my daughter, but I don't have to like her", emailing me at work to say she was going to throw herself under a tram, cutting me off if I ever had a problem that I needed advice on, "I can't deal with your problems, let's not do coffee for a few weeks" was often the response. She cut friends off that didn't agree with her or led different lifestyles. Nothing bad, just each to their own kind of thing. I loved some of those ladies. They felt like mums' to me, giving me beauty tips that my mum never did.
I eventually felt that this was my role, I had to help mum and she'd love me for it. My mum needed me and it gave me a connection that I suppose, I always craved, but at the same time it made me feel I was missing something ... a mum. I said to her once, "I don't just need a mum, I need a best friend too", to maybe see if I could have something from her, to have her say "I'm your mother only, if you want a best friend, you don't need me, my job's done". Taken out of context. If I went against her opinions, I was either "uneducated", "too young to know" or just "had never been through it like her". This was my normal. I turned to drinking because it was the only way I felt the courage to show who I truly was and would often go in for the hug or tell her how much I loved her, to get "You've had a drink, you get so maudlin when you drink" and that was rejection.
I grew into an anxiety ridden, agoraphobic person who feared the world. I had to sit on the back of the bus, I could NEVER have anyone sat behind me. I had horrific panic attacks and my life became a misery. I knew at that point, I had to move away. It was unhealthy for me to be where I was and I was resenting every visit, every comment. I met my now husband and he had plans to come to Australia. I'll be honest, I latched on. Not initially for love - he was my escape plan. He saw what was going on and, like my mum, I pushed and pushed him away, was vile towards him at times, but his response was "You can be that way, but I know the real you deep down and I'm going nowhere. This is years of hurt. We can do this together". Thank goodness for strong men and seeing through my facade.
We emigrated in 2010 and from the moment the plane touched the earth, I was free. That weight that I had, it lifted off my shoulders. I was a new person, happier and grateful to my husband for taking the chance in me. Just knowing there was 10,000 miles between me and the life I had was enough. I have never suffered from a panic attack since or had any self-confidence issues. I reinvented myself and now absolutely adore my husband (my saviour) and have two children who I absolutely, hands down, have put my heart and soul into. I WILL NOT LET HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF and so far, they are confident, amazing kids with a very loving mum, if not overprotective at times.
Now, in 2023, my mother has been breaking down. Over the course of the last five years she's had serious seizures, loss of memory, aggression and outbursts. She was sectioned under the Mental Health Act 7 weeks ago and still remains a medical anomaly that no medical professional will diagnose. She is talking about suicide, she screams that she wants to go home, but they won't release her, she wants to divorce my dad, she's hateful, spiteful and she has no real memory of any of us, just rare lucid moments where she suddenly remembers again, then back to the start. The scans, the EEGs, the numerous tests, nothing. No diagnosis, just trying out different medications and seeing where it leads. I am positive it's BPD, but no-one wants to go there just yet. We, as a family, are in a world of "What is going on?".
They've tried to put her in a home just last week and she attacked the ambulance crew and the nursing home staff, so they readmitted her back to the hospital, so what now?
The crux of the message is, why do I feel so in limbo? I can't grieve. I said to my dad recently that I felt we were born to keep him, because he was her world, and later to mother her. The response wasn't "Oh no, she always wanted you and she loved just talking with you", it was ....nothing ...he couldn't answer me. Hit to the guts right there. I feel so much resentment inside for my childhood and growing up towards her, but now, I feel guilty for not understanding and sad for her. I'm angry and upset at the same time. I want to tell her to "Pack it in and wake up!" because she's always been so melodramatic, created dramas and been down on life, but I know that isn't helpful. How am I suppose to feel? I'm 10,000 miles away and my dad said "Don't come back, she doesn't know you and seeing her only in the flesh would be too hard" and you know what? What my dad doesn't know is, I don't want to. Why does that feel so bad, but yet I feel sadness for her? Why don't I feel that love that everyone else feels about their mothers? Most would be on the next plane ... I'm having such an awesome life, I don't want to face that reality. Is that so wrong?
Please, anyone, can you relate? I need some guidance. Thank you sincerely.
