Don't know how much longer I can do it.

Hi @Unloveable,

I can sense your anxiety levels - and they seem pretty high. I cant imagine the stress of having to deal with your situation - but congratulations for protecting your daughters and for standing up to someone who has been abusive in the past - it is a sign of your strength and commitment.

Cant say I like your username much - I doubt that you are unloveable - and I'm sure that those who know you would agree. You should feel good about yourself and what you are undertaking.

The obvious question is if you have family or friends who might be able to give you some help with the children? It sounds that if you could even have a few hours to yourself it would prove helpful. Failing that maybe some time with others who have kids of a similar age - they can generally keep themselves entertained and a coffee and chat with other adults is always theraputic.

Keep fighting for your and your childrens welfare - it is important and you are doing a great job - here's hoping that you can find a way of creating some time for yourself.

@Unloveable defintiely need to change that name!

It is amazing what strength we find when we have to, I have gone through so much with my partner of over 30 years who has unmedicated bipolar and I with BPD when I have felt that I cant go on anymore I still find a way. You sound like a very strong and couragious woman with all you hve been through.

Draw your strength from your beautiful children. I appluad what you have done as I was absued by my dd (physically, emotionally, psychologically and sexually) and the rest of my family did nothing about it! You are protecting your children that is the biggest gift you could give them and they willnever forget it when they are old enough to understand. I sometimes wish someone took me out of my family I may not have ended such a mess.

Anxiety can play such a huge role, I know I have bad anxiety and dealing with it right now.

Is there anyone who can watch the children to give you a break or can you afford child care for day or so to give yourself a break?

It sounds like you need some "me" time try and be nice to yourself and I'm sure you will cope.

@Unloveable

Please dont think that was a dig its just not healthy for you to keep saying that you are unloveable because I bet you are!

I totally understand what you are saying about other forums, my partner thinks I'm the devil reincarnated and says horrible things about me. Only a couple of weeks ago I too was reading BPD spouse forums as I have BPD and it was a massive trigger to read some of the hateful things they say about us which I wont state here as it could trigger someone else but it was really bad. I had a massive melt down and went to to the ED only to be treated badly and humiliated becaue I have BPD buts that another story. The only way to keep going is to keep trying and putting one foot in front of the other. I really think a lot of this comes from total misunderstanding of the disorder, even doctors. They just treat us like kids having tantrums, I dont know about you but I certainly dont manipulate people on purpose I dont set out to do it, I dont set out to break boundaries I dont even realise it, I know the hurt, shame and guilt you have everyday and its always there just in different moderations. I constantly have dark thoughts in the back of my head to do to myself which I push away every day - its bloody hard.

@Unloveable just making it this far in life with BPD shows you have courage and you want to help yourself and there is always something loveable about someone. What you did for your children shows courage, love and responsibility!

I have stopped looking at those foums "spouse forums" as it has become a major trigger for me, just concentrate on getting well and do something nice for yourself !

Please know that you are not alone and hope you continue to post to get further support.

@Unloveable,

I too was not being critical of your username - moreso sad that is how you view yourself as I am sure that you are indeed not unlovable.

The idea of the forum is to support and help each other - to make sure that those in need realise that they are not alone. As you have experienced other online forums have no understanding of the issues we face and can cause hurt because of their ignorance.

What yo uhave done for your children is extraordinary and you should feel proud and liberated for doing it. BUT - make sure you find a way to create a little time for yourself so that you can provide the same support to yourself as you have your kids.

Easier said than done - but when it all gets to you - the forum and its members will be here for you.