Ever wish you could be someone else

Hi @creative_writer 🙂

In my case, it'd be more accurate to say that I wish I could live in a differant world. A differant regime; differant values; differant norms...

My surrounding community and I seem to be hopelessly incompatible. We need to be separated; ideally in a fashion that relocates me to a community where I belong.

I know that feeling very much so @creative_writer. There's a Radiohead song I used to listen to a lot called Talk Show Host, and the opening lyrics are "I want to be someone else or I'll explode". I really resonated with that for a good long while in my life.

When you say "People would probably be happier if I was someone else", what I hear is that you want this for yourself so badly that your brain assumes other people must want that too. But I really doubt anyone in your life wishes you were someone else. There's only one you in the world, and that is a precious thing.

There's this concept in Person Centred Counselling called 'congruence'. It basically means that a persons inner world and outward expression of self are in alignment. You could also call it 'authenticity'. Sometimes, the most painful experience is to live inauthentically; it's like being out of alignment. This was very much the case for me a few years back, and in a lot of ways it was because I was so focused on what other people thought of me, wanted from me, or expected of me, that I was making no space for me in my own life. I think this is why values work can be so helpful! When I took some time to really reflect on my values and beliefs, it gave me insight into the type of person I want to be. Then (with a whole bunch of therapy and hard work), I began to bring my expression of myself more and more in line with my concept of my ideal self, the self that aligned with my values and my desires.

Maybe have a think about the person you wish you were. The 'someone else' you want to be, might just be a reflection of your authentic self. Which means that you can take conscious steps towards becoming that person; bringing yourself into alignment with your values, and being able to experience congruence of the self.

I hope this is helpful for me to have shared. Would love to hear your thoughts 😊

Hmm that's tricky for me to answer @creative_writer as it's probably something to explore more deeply with a therapist. Definitely a trauma response, and so unpacking it would take time, and ideally you'd be safely held and able to regulate (or co-regulate) with a therapist to ensure it doesn't become retraumatising.

As a brief example of reframing some of those thoughts though, we can look at "if I don’t let you in, you can’t hurt me". I imagine the authentic part of you is one that does want to connect to others, but having been hurt before, your nervous system has deemed that to be too dangerous and floods your body with fear response chemicals whenever you are vulnerable with another person - maybe particularly if that person is someone you could imagine building a close connection with. Reframing it could look like, "It can be hard to let people in, but I know that I will survive even if they hurt me, so it is worth the risk to be able to form this bond." This is where the ability to regulate your emotions would also be necessary, as you begin to teach your nervous system that vulerability is actually safe, even if it does expose you to the potential of being hurt or abandoned.

A good way to begin to move towards authenticity is to take some time to reflect on your values, strengths, beliefs, passions, and interests - the things that make you, you. That could give you clues about finding ways to live more authentically, by nurturing and honouring the things that make you unique 😊

I can't help but wonder what the next line of inquiry might be, @Jynx , where the issue mightn't be that the person is out-of-touch with their authentic self, but where being their authentic self does more harm then good?

Like, for me, understanding my authentic self has never been an issue. Having the courage to be my authentic self was also a relatively minor hurdle which I overcame rather easily. But openly being my authentic self was immensely displeasing to others, and resulted in consequences for me that were far more unpleasant then having to wear the mask of conformity.

Where do we go from there?

@creative_writer Yeah honestly 10 isn't enough for a lot of people. My therapist said to me she wished that any sessions unclaimed by someone should be able to begiven to others who need them. Cos for some folks, 3, 4, 8 or whatever might be enough. But for others 10 is just no where near sufficient. Have you spoken to your psych about options for when your sessions run out? Even like a payment plan or something could be super helpful.

A not uncommon trap to fall into unfortunately. We're creatures of habit, through n through, and so sometimes that means we grow comfortable in our suffering. Which suuuucks, because sometimes joy, happiness, and contentment can feel deeply uncomfortable, and thus feel wrong or feel like a threat. Buuuut it also means that making improvements is 100% possible, just involves a lot of breaking and making habits, which does take time. But as you say, we are more than our illness - and the process of self-discovery goes hand in hand with acts of self-creation. Can be pretty empowering ✊💜

@chibam Mm that is really hard, and I think it speaks to the unfortunate result of our 'idealised' culture - i.e. that there is only one way to live, one way to be, and if you don't adhere to the majority, you will be punished. I can only really speak to my own experiences in this, which has been a long history of social rejection and ostracisation, particularly in my younger years.

I've always been weird. To the point where I once found an old journal entry from when I was about 13, where I described being called 'weird' at least once a day. I didn't have a particularly good time in high school, and even when I did have friendship groups, I was still often rejected, excluded, or constantly felt like I was on the outside. It's super painful, as I'm sure you can attest to, as would many other folks here.

Belonging to a group is an essential human need - we're biologically wired to connect. So when being myself failed, I tried to shape myself to fit the needs and expectations of others. It worked insofar as it meant people seemed more accepting of me, but it also meant I lived inauthentically, suppressing the majority of my personality, as well as any expression of my needs, wants, and desires.

So I can really empathise with how truly debilitating it is to feel like being yourself will lead to the pain of abandonment, and being... 'palatable' will lead to the pain of inauthenticity.

I got lucky, in the end. I found people whose weirdness matches my own. People who laugh at my oddball moments, rather than giving side glances and then not inviting me to join them again, without ever telling me why. Perhaps the same might be possible for you? I'm not sure what your personal characteristics are that have resulted in rejection for you in the past, but I do know there are a lot of oddballs, misfits, and whimsical weirdos out there who might just love the authentic brand of chibam you bring to the world. One can hope 🤞

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@Jynx wrote:

I got lucky, in the end. I found people whose weirdness matches my own. People who laugh at my oddball moments, rather than giving side glances and then not inviting me to join them again, without ever telling me why. Perhaps the same might be possible for you? I'm not sure what your personal characteristics are that have resulted in rejection for you in the past, but I do know there are a lot of oddballs, misfits, and whimsical weirdos out there who might just love the authentic brand of chibam you bring to the world. One can hope 🤞

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Is that really all we have? Just the narrow, effectively unbelievable possibility that some rediculous miracle will deliver our soulmate right into our lap? It seems about as likely as me opening up the front door tomorrow morning to find Steven Spielberg standing on my front porch, telling me that he's gonna cast me as the lead in his next blockbuster.

I just can't see how connecting with our real people can be realistically possible without the assistance of others; which leads me right back to my initial quandry about how being our authentic selves can offend the people around us, thus making them extremely unwilling to help us connect with new contacts.