Steadily Unsteady

I will try to keep this brief.

I am 27 and I have been through various forms of assault/misfortune and trauma. My earliest memories from my childhood (around age 5-7) were of me being sexually assaulted. My alcoholic mother would leave me with extended 'relatives' to go live her life while my dad would go from town to town for work. This went on for a while until my grandparents intervened and practically raised me- I did live between my mum and grandparents on and off throughout my teen years.

Around highschool age (12+) I started drinking, smoking and even had sex- I thought it was fun and I felt like a grown up but after the parties were over and I was alone, an uncomfortable lonely feeling would start to creep in, unbeknownst to me this was the start of an emotional rollercoaster that I still haven't managed to get off to this day.

I started harming myself for a while but then I had a decent few years until I reached 15yo. I lived with my mum for a little while and my mum would invite her male co worker over to party with her on weekends. I knew her co worker liked me and would give me attention that no one else had ever given me before. He groomed me and we started hooking up, I was 15 and he was 28.

Fast forward to 17yo me. My dad completed suicide. I was broken. I have never been the same since. I spiralled after his death, (got diagnosed with depression and anxiety which I l still struggle with) a month after my dad's death the now 30yo convinced me that it would be great to actually be together- so he left his wife and children to be with me, even though I told him not to. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame for how that situation turned out for his wife and children and even me... I don't know if I will ever get over it.

After the news broke of me being with him my whole family turned their back on me. A month after my dad died and being very isolated and only a month into living with him I was pregnant at 17yo. I didn't know what to do, I had no one. I wanted an abortion but he didn't so I kept her. I thought, surely the worst is over but it was just starting; when I was around 5-6months pregnant I didn't know what it was at the time but I was subjected to domestic violence by him.

Luckily not too long before I gave birth me and my big sister made amends and she was there for the arrival of my baby.

Things were okay for a very short amount of time until they weren't. The DV got worse, he started sexually assaulting me, gaslighting me, threatening to unalive himself if he didn't get his way with me etc, Until one day I had enough and fled to another town with my 1yo daughter and one duffel bag between us with our belongings. During this time I rebuilt who I was as a person and mother and when I was strong enough I came back to my home town with my daughter to resume my life.

After settling back into my life, free from him and his abuse I met a guy and we dated but it didn't last, he was an ice addict and I'm not so it was over before it began. I was so hurt after that breakup that I didn't want to be with anyone ever again until I met my now most recent ex, who has ruined me more than anyone ever has in my life.. all he had to offer was beauty and thats about it. He was not considerate, he was not kind and I don't think he ever really loved me the way I loved him. There was a lot of DV in this relationship too but most of it was mental abuse...I could write a whole book about the fucked up things he has done and said but I don't think there are enough hours in the day to cover everything.. I have been damaged and handled so poorly that he has made me feel like I cannot trust myself or my judgement. There were multiple moments where I felt like I was going crazy purely because of the stress of everything that he put me through. He dimmed my light.

We broke up two weeks ago and I didn't think I could feel any more shattered than I have in my life but here I am. I am completely broken. I get angry with myself for missing him and loving him still after everything he has put me through..

Fast forward tonight as I write this, I am struggling...Struggling with trying to be a good mother and being there for myself too. I feel like I never have any space to breath or heal or to process anything because I'm too busy being a single mother and working full time. I feel like I am drowning and I don't know what to do but I hope I can step off this ride soon because I'm tired.