Would you call this a relapse?

Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I will be calling the SANE phone line about this. That's not a threat 😂.

There's a whole bottle of white wine in our cupboard. We got it as a gift from our car's manufacturer, when we went to get it serviced. In my head, I imagined a situation where my Mum says "why don't we break it open?" I said, in this hypothetical situation, "no way". I would NEVER, EVER, ever, EVERRRRRRRR, ev... get drunk in front of my family. Especially not my Mum. I am a big drinker, but no. Never. She deserves better than to see her son like that.

You guys are LIKE my family? I'm not even [...] around, you guys really mean a lot to me. You're my audience, and I love every single one of you.

But I'll be honest. I'm drunk. And I'm in tears on the BUS HOME FOR [...] sake. Let me explain.

I haven't had much. It's unfortunate that I can't say how much, but last time I had a relapse, as I wrote about, I got absolutely GLOONKED. That's not even a real word, but the point is, there was absolutely no doubt that it was a relapse.

This, I don’t know. It probably was.

If you look at the definition of a relapse, courtesy of the Australian Drug and Alcohol Foundation, it probably was:

A relapse happens when a person stops maintaining his or her goal of reducing or avoiding use of alcohol or other drugs and returns to previous levels of use.

I would say reducing is the important word there. I didn’t have much to drink, but I had it very quickly. It was more so the type of drinking that I was getting back to, having not for a few weeks now.

I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow. The timing couldn’t be much worse, or better, depending on how you look at it.

Here’s the thang, though. I didn’t go out to a bar. I had the alcohol at work (after work hours). There is a LOTTT of alcohol in the fridges at work. At 5:00PM, I’ve had a couple in the past, but tonight I went over the top with it.

My question is, WHY THE […] IS THERE ALCOHOL IN THE FRIDGES? They haven’t said that you’re not allowed to have it and in fact, when I opened the fridge door, I noticed someone had taken one out of the box and laid the other five in a neat line LOL. Someone’s been in there, so you must be allowed to have it. On Fridays, my teammates drink quite openly, even before 5:00PM.

I have no problem with this. I like alcohol. But when you know it’s not good for you, when you’ve had such a traumatic history with it, it sends mixed messages.

Should I bring this up with my manager?

Obviously, I might not go into detail or completely ban it, but maybe ask them to put the alcohol in the other fridge in the corner of the floor, rather than right in front of the door next to the kitchen where it’s so much more inviting. It’s a very interesting problem and something I’m sure most people haven’t thought about. “How do you make the job more comfortable for someone with an alcohol use disorder, or mental illness in general?”

I got home safe in the end, and I thank you for your support. I’m honoured to be in this environment, where I feel safe enough to share this.

I started writing this thread around 6:00PM, and it’s now 8:15PM. I still feel a little gooey, but I’ve got a big cup of tea next to me, I’ll survive.

When I started writing this thread, I was just a little bit sad. A random thought popped into my head; I thought about my niece. She’s so sweet. She’s turning one on Saturday. I’m sick at the moment, she gave me a cold, but I can’t stay mad at her! And I’ve got two more nieces/nephews on the way.

What’s better? Are my babies worth it or is alcohol? My Google search history is my life in a nutshell:

• How long before alcohol takes effect?
• Should you talk to your boss about alcoholism?
• Why do babies grab your face?
• NRL.

Oh, dear… I’ll live, but I’ve got a lot to learn about alcohol.

Have a great night, guys ❤️.