BPD, C-PTSD, Depression and anxiety, Unemployment

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Hi so I'm new here and currently am in a situation that has me stuck and anxious.

I just wanted some advice.

I have a history of depression and anxiety steming from the age of 5. And was diagnosed with BPD and C-PTSD October last year after my 22nd b'day.

My childhood could've been worse but I wasn't sure what I had was any better anyway. My parents back then were in a toxic relationship and dad was always drinking and taking his frustrations out on me and my siblings. Our family is broken and barely functioning.

I've been doing my best to be better but it's still crap and I'm spiraling again. It's frustrating because I want to go somewhere with me and my siblings. But I also just want to sleep and never wake up.

Right now I really want to get out of my parents house. But I have an unhealthy cycle that goes like this:

1. Get a job/start a course everyone is happy.

2. Can't maintain it, stop going.

3. Lie tell everyone I am.

4. Pressure and guilt builds, emotions go haywire.

5. Depression and anxiety skyrockets.

6. Plan and attempt escape from life.

7. Everyone finds out.

8. Go to psych ward.

9. Release and everyone thinks I'm fixed.

10. Repeat.

It's a cycle that started in 2018 when I had my first major break down and everyone including my family finally knew about my anxiety and depression.

I have been through multiple therapies and medications. Never been consistent truthfully. I've had a job in nearly every industry with a habit of disappearing between the second day or after 2 weeks.

I've had multiple attempts that no one knows about. I'm an introvert at heart so don't have a lot of people I know. The ones I do, I feel if I say where I'm at now, they're all just tired of my shit and well so am I.

I'm desperately trying to find a reason to keep going. I feel selfish for even saying these things but honestly that's where I'm at right now. And I'm tired of pretending otherwise. I just don't know where or who to go too anymore.