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ChaoticMumNew Contributor
How do I get over the fear that if my partner cheats again I won't know? He cheated a year ago and I feel like if I'm not constantly checking his phone that I won't know if he's doing it again, we're in therapy together and working on things to better our relationship but I also have bpd so makes things more intense for me.
In response to: BPD is ruining my life
hanamiSenior Contributor
Hi @ChaoticMum
Sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I can imagine how hard it would be. I've been with my husband for so many years now and if the cheating thing happened I would find it super hard to trust again. It's a tough one. I have no answers, unfortunately. I hope others have some ideas at how you can move forward with this.
Hugs
Hanami
In response to: BPD is ruining my life
SnowieSenior Contributor
Hi @ChaoticMum and welcome to the sane forums.
Building up that trust will take time. I think it will also take time for that fear of him doing it again to go away. I have really no answers for you, however I think it will just take time. It sounds like you are doing the right thing in seeing someone for therapy.
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In response to: BPD is ruining my life
Having-HopeContributor
@ChaoticMum
Being cheated has been the most painful experience of my life with BPD.
I don't know you or the relationships so I can't offer specific advice, but I do completely understand some of the feelings of anger/fear/humiliations that you might have, and I can offer hope that you can, with support, time, and maybe some difficult choices, you don't have to experience them forever.
In my personal experience, I ended up remaining with my cheating partner because I had convinced my self no one else would accept me and that I couldn't love someone else the same way again. Turns out I was VERY wrong; but at the time it absolutely felt real. I only started to make a recovery after the relationship ended. It was way harder at first, but then became easier over time.
My point isn't that you and everyone else should seek separation after cheating - I think that completely depends on the relationship itself, what underlying feelings/circumstances are driving a desire to stay/leave, etc. But I can confirm that those emotions/fears that feel like they can never go away, can actually go away - and you may have more control than seems possible.
I wasn't aware of that control because I wasn't brave enough to make the hard decision I personally needed to make; I didn't choose to separate and face my fears of being alone on my own accord. That partner left me. But I'm glad they did because it was only then that I started feeling better and moving on. Now I think I could see that partner in the street and think of them only as a stranger I'd rather not talk to; I feel apathy now instead of hate like I used to.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I hope I could give you at least a tiny glimpse of what it can look like on the other side. You're not alone.
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
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