TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ Deep and dark

First thing first, I am not ok. I haven't been for a long time and I honestly don't think I will ever be again. Not going to dance around acting like I think its ok. It isn't.

I have reached deep inside straight into the depths of the darkness to try and keep myself going. I have pushed myself through really tough times, but all for what?!?

I have tried to address and ignore feelings, both leading me to the same path.

I have tried to talk to people and I've tried shutting up, both again, leading me to the same path.

I have exhausted myself.

I'm not doing it anymore.

If I thought I was actually going to get the help I need, trust me I'd ask for it and grab it with both hands, but unfortunately that is not the case. I am done with being told to just deal with this.

Why should I have to be faced with flashbacks and nightmares, constant god damn reminders?!? Why should I have to feel so depressed inside and weak in my body/mind? Why should I have this crippling anxiety squeeze my chest so tight?!?

I have been fighting the urges this week but you know what, I am done fighting. I will let it be. I am doing what I need.

I am not loved. I am not needed. I don't matter and you know what I've now come to terms with that. And I don't have to 'deal' with it anymore.