CAN’T put my finger on it.

I remembered to make a title this time! You know I have an eighteen month old niece, the title made me think of the song. “What finger did it bite? This little finger on my right.” Oh dear LOL.

I feel like something’s missing… oh yeah, money. I have been in my new job for 28 goddamn days and I still haven’t been paid. It’ll be almost three months between drinks. Not far away now. It’s not just that, though.

Have you ever found that your interests change? How do you tell the difference between that and being disinterested in things you used to love (apathy)?

I borrowed Game of Thrones, what? Two weeks ago? I am twenty pages in. Every time I pick it up, I enjoy it, but I wouldn’t read for a long period of time like I used to. And I would go ages without even touching it. I used to read on the bus to and from work all the time. That’s two hours of travel time, you’d finish your favourite series’ in no time flat. It’s kind of bothered me.

There is a TEEENY tiny bit of identity crisis attached to it. I […] love reading, or at least I used to. When I had a mental health crisis and went missing in April/May, my family knew exactly where to look for me. Libraries and bookstores, and it worked LOL. I’ve always been known as an avid reader. Now who am I? Again, very minor, but a little bit.

Avid readers of the internet, have you had lulls in your passion and how do you get it back?

Maybe I should pick something a little easier than an epic fantasy series…

I’m just constantly a little ticked off.

The other day, I considered getting a drink at lunchtime. I even walked into the bar, but as soon as I got in there, I felt very uncomfortable and walked out. Like literally within twenty seconds.

I wasn’t necessarily scared of someone at work recognising me. I was more just thinking back to the last time I was in that bar. It was during that breakdown, I had had a LOTT to drink one night… and a couple of days before that too.

I was out with my brother recently and he asked me where we should stop for lunch. He pointed out a pub and said “have you been there?” I said “yeah, that night when I went missing.” He said “OK, maybe we should go somewhere else, then.” He jokingly said “I don’t want to bring up any bad memories.”

It’s strange that I did actually feel a little traumatised by the place. I walked out thinking “it’s not worth it.”

I have a very unusual relationship with alcohol…

It’s a frustrating feeling to need something and not quite know what it is.