loneliness, emotional volatility and sobriety

I've gone back and forth with sobriety for nearly a year now, and it's been a really difficult time. I just turned 23 and have found myself losing touch with my closest friends because of our different lifestyles and my struggles to cope with that emotionally. I’m in therapy working on issues with trauma, depression and anxiety. I’m finding myself anxious, bitter, angry, helpless, sensitive, overthinking and especially lonely. I feel sick to my stomach when I see my friends or partner get drunk. I worry for their future, for their health, I get convinced they’re doing something terrible and it’ll ruin their life somehow. I get convinced that they’re bad people or that they don’t see me anymore, they don’t know me anymore. I worry I’ll lose them to addiction. I worry I’ll lose them for our lifestyle differences.

I used to be the same way if not worse, with my drinking and drug use. I don’t like the way I used to be. I see a lot of my past playing out in front of me when they drink. I feel like nobody understands me anymore. I feel so left out and isolated. I’ve gotten into so many disagreements and arguments about behaviour I don’t like, things that I disapprove of and make me uncomfortable, and have alienated myself from some of my close friends because of this. I can’t accept and be at peace with the fact that I am responsible for my life, and they can do what they want. I have arguments with my partner. I feel totally incapable of maintaining a regular relationship because I’m so high strung and sensitive and scared of alcohol and drugs and what they do to people. Being sober means my thought spirals are so much more intense, and more difficult to ignore or cope with. I’m getting into more conflict than I have in years over this stuff. I feel like an open wound. I feel like everything is hurting me so much when it just doesn’t need to, but I can’t figure out how to manage it.

I want to add that nobody I know is deep into addiction territory, its weekend drinking and occasional recreational drug use, maybe a couple of other nights a week getting drunk, very normal for Australians in their early 20s. I’m disproportionately emotionally affected by these things. I’m mad I can’t do it as much as I’m mad that people I love do it.

How do I stay focussed on myself through this process? How can I make peace with the fact that my partner will still drink? That my friends will still drink? How can I feel comfortable with this? I drive myself insane thinking about what my loved ones do. I feel like an awful friend and partner. I feel crazy for being so affected by what other people do. I want to push everyone away and cut off my relationships, fight and not make up with them, just to get a break from my own anxiety, to have a reason to stop caring so much. I don’t want to lose anyone because I need them and don’t know what to do without them.

I know being sober is the right decision for me, I've done my time partying, and my medications aren't mixing well with booze, but I can feel my life crumbling around me. I'm not sure where to begin picking up the pieces when every part of early 20s life seems to involve getting wasted or high. I'm very scared of losing my loved ones because of how emotionally volatile I am, and how we can't seem to get on the same page anymore. How am I supposed to make it on my own, I am the only person I know who's even thought about sobriety let alone attempted it. I can’t go on this way with my loved ones either. I want to be comfortable again, I’m tired of all of this fear and anger and panic. I'm not being a good friend or partner to them because of this.

I need help, I need to let go of these horrible fears and thoughts and feelings that are controlling me.