I keep doubting me

Yeah so I keep doubting myself. In the middle of my day today in particular. I was going along okay and then I just sort of tumbled into a bad spot. When I made that post on the good morning thread I was pretty beside myself. I usually am during the day. I like my job, but I'm finding it hard at times. I keep convincing myself of two things: That there is something objectively bad about my situation in life and that I am being run up the flag pole by my partner

Both are coming from me projecting my own insecurities into others and my partner. I keep thinking that my partner is cheating on me, is running me into the ground because of my emotions, won't listen or some other BS like this. There is no grounding of this in any fact. None at all. I think what is happening is that I am letting my own insecurity take charge. It's an old thing that I used to struggle with waaaaaaaaay before I was in a relationship and wayyyyyyyyyy before I was working in this job. Maybe things are just going well and also quite fast and I am not used to it.

I know I need outlets (exercise, creativity, reading, Humour) and I am only just starting to get into this now. I started watching a TV show I haven't watched for years which I loved because it was absurd, funny and philosophical too. I wanted to get back into drawing and reading. I struggle to make myself do things I enjoy. What even is that?

In terms of exercise, I have a goal with this because my work will move to longer days and so i need to be fit in order to manage that. It's good because that's a goal I can work towards. I am meant to have the 29th off for work (its a saturday that my dad has planned his 60th for and i was stressing out because i am meant to switch with a colleague). I really do not wanna miss his 60th due to work. MY colleague is happy to switch but the roster lady buggered it up and now has to check with my managers. I can't believe it has happened because it's so stupid. It's a simple fix for gods sakes...

I spoke to my partner about it tonight and she reassured me. She wants to go too because it'll be cool to meet other members of the family. I am really done with the world's BS - today i had to see a girl in Papua New Guinea wonder around a village because her leg got torn off in an accident. It was horrible. My colleague came across it. In my line of work this sort of thing happens a lot. But today i was trying to tolerate it.

I have applied to my Masters program and I got in. I was happy with this because I can utilise my writing skills and I have also got Government support in the program. It will be good to give it a go for a month and then determine if it is worth doing long term. I want to at least try. Don't wanna leave that stone unturned.

I guess as well I am looking forward to things in the future generally. I don't have any mood disorder atm. Just anxiety associated to things (like the stupid leave for my dads 60th). I know I am a flexible person and I make adjustments where I can and also work to fix things for myself.

Honestly I am proud of how far I have come in life. I turn 30 in 2 months. Weird.

But yeah anyway. This became a vent. Feels a bit better tbh