Is it abuse

Im having a really weird night. We have lost power. Its like midnight Mum and my sister are asleep but Dad and I are still up. We both have sleep apnea and need a machine to sleep. Sleeping without one makes you feel pretty lousy so we are up waiting for the power to come back on.

Setting aside the attempt by my sister to find my posts, which was wrong on so many levels. Ive been stuck thinking if I am right in my belief that my family is being abusive to me. Like is it just family things, is Mum prioritising my sister over me that big a thing, does it count as abuse. Am I just surrounded by toxic people but not so much abusive. Am I reading into things too much and being too sensitive. Should I just accept my place, be appreciative that even after all Ive done my parents let me have a room.

I feel like I dont matter, that Im not wanted, that Im worthless but maybe thats on me, maybe its not my families fault I feel that way, maybe Im responsible for that. Maybe my mental illnesses play a part there, that its more of a reflection of my how I see myself and I project that onto them.

My head is swimming with this stuff tonight. I dont know who you talk to who can determine if your being abused. I mean if its physical its simple to tell. But if its verbal, emotional and/or mental its a little more complicated I suppose. Within a family even more so. Between brother and sister is it just sibling rivalry, though in our early 40s you would think that would be over with. From my perspective there isnt any point, my sister has Mum completely behind her, she has completely won, so why would I try and have a rivalry there. Im happy enough doing my own thing. Im happy enough just being left alone. Families are always complicated, its unusual to have parents in their mid 60s and children in their early 40s in the same house, throw in that everyone in our family has serious medical conditions. Cancers, major heart conditions, chronic pain, etc and serious mental health concerns. So its not a normal household at all. Does that make whats going on, how Im treated, how others are treated in comparison, does that make it ok, does that justify things?

I dunno, with my history of being abused physically and verbally at school, not having any friends, not having teachers or anyone else stop it all, I might be a bit sensitive to the notion of being abused again. Im a firm believer that there is no reason for anyone to be abused, for anyone to abuse another person. I dont think that there is a reason for anyone to treat another person like they dont matter, they dont matter as much as them or another person. I dont think people should use any method to systematically destroy another persons spirit, their will, who they are as a person. I do think my family, particularly my Mum and sister try to do this to me.

Generally I do think it is abuse what Im experiencing, I have nights that I question, I wonder if Im to blame, but I go back to it being abuse. Once Im back at work full time and I can afford to live alone again Ill leave, unless I can find another way to support myself until I am working fulltime again. I dont really intend to explain a great deal as to why Im leaving, Im going to have the property sorted and the removalist organised before I tell anyone that Im moving out. Im not giving them the opportunity to stop, interfer, postpone or anything else that doesnt aid me in moving out before I tell them Im leaving.

As for confronting them about the things they've done, I dont know that I will. I might leave it to keep some kinda of relationship with them if I can. At the same time I think, maybe Ill write them a letter or Ill have them in a psych meeting. Its probably something I will have to talk with my psych about. I dont know that saying anything will do or change anything, so I dont know that there is a point in bringing it up at all.