Embarrassed by sent text messages

Hey @creative_writer ,

May need to pull the reigns in a bit. It sounds like the thoughts are running into all the would've's, should've's and could've's.

Lets just wait and see what happens. Maybe your thoughts are catastrophising?

@tyme, maybe I am catastrophising. A part of me wants to give up on socialising, I don’t need friendships, I am safe alone. I think I am becoming more and more self-reliant which is what I wanted, people create too much drama. Just need to learn to suppress this lingering loneliness (I’ve done this before and I can do it again) because there is no way of fixing it, I’m going to be lonely around other people anyways, no point of trying to connect. I deal with loneliness (that I experience around other people) by self-isolation

@creative_writer there's a phrase that someone close to me once shared that I think might be helpful for you to hear, "What we resist, persists". Being alone can certainly feel safer, especially if you've experienced a lot of relationship trauma. But humans have also evolved to be social, it's part of our nature. I'm not saying you need to go out and force yourself to be friends with people, especially if those people make you feel unsafe or don't value you as you are. I'm just wary of the fact that hyper-independence can be a really tricky trauma-response to try to navigate, and it worries me to hear that you are thinking of isolating yourself as a way of dealing with these difficult feelings. You may have suppressed it before, but it came back, so it probably will again... it persists.

I hope you do hear back from your friend soon, and they may surprise you with being understanding and non-judgemental. It's difficult to sit in that space of waiting and not knowing though, so perhaps something to help you distract yourself and pass the time so you don't end up further catastrophising?

@Jynx, the first thing that pops in my mind is online shopping, since it’s probably best not to buy anything in the heat of emotions, I probably should eat dinner first. I’ve made number of purchases that I never needed to make in the past, but I was experiencing a high instead of a depression at the time, but buying things still feels good and I feel the urge to be impulsive to cope with the depression I am experiencing right now.

I just find it hard to relate to people, maybe it’s a combination of the different wiring of my brain and past traumas. The loneliness you feel around people is really painful, that I rather just be alone. Maybe I just don’t let people in

@creative_writer it sounds like you know yourself and know in which moments it's probably better to avoid online shopping. Sometimes I do online 'window shopping' - like I'll look at a bunch of stuff I like and may/may not add to cart, then just close the window... that might help you distract, but if you figure it's too risky then that is fair!

Hmm... have you had moments where you have felt like you've really related to someone? Or you could have a think about what sort of people you imagine you would enjoy spending time with. What sort of qualities do they have? Are there shared interests? Shared humour? What would quality time look like?

Letting people in can be hard, and takes time - especially when also navigating the diffculties of trauma along the way. Something that has helped me is to realise that most folks out there are also struggling with something - and opening up about my mental health does one of two things. It either gets a crappy response (like judgement, dismissal, belittling or stigma) and then I know that person is not someone I want in my life; or, it is received with support an often gives that person the signal that I am safe, and they can open up about their trauma/struggles too. So hopefully with this friend, it is the latter, but if they aren't very understanding or they're unkind as a response, then you'll know that person isn't someone you'd want to invest time into anyway.

@Jynx, it’s so hard with the internet. Though there are stuff that I will need to get eventually, if not right now, I’ll need to get those items later. Like do I really need a Manuka honey face mask right now when mine is still more than half full? I think I’m better off buying things when they start running out. Or waiting for clothes till they’re a bit cheaper.

I’ve had moments, I guess it’s a mixture of personality traits and interests. Like tom I am talking to a friend who is overseas but I’ve known her for a long time, we have a lot in common. It’s easier to talk to someone who isn’t judgemental too. I think it’s about being able to talk about the fun and deep stuff.

The girl I messaged was from uni, from social work, I will see how she responds, I didn’t bluntly state that I struggle with MH, I was venting about how gossip culture that I often find in the Muslim community has meant that I have been reserved when it comes to talking about my mental health