Always feel like a burden

Hi @Anfran firstly welcome to the forums. I really hope that you find some support here.

im a single mum to a 7yr old girl. I left my now ex husband about 6yrs ago. I don’t relate to your experience with FV and I’m thankful that we haven’t had to go down the route of family law court- we have done mediation though, but it is always a fear of mine. But I do relate to your battle of self hate, guilt and wanting to give my daughter the life that she deserves but my mental health constantly interferes.

just wondering if maybe next time when you start to engage with a service that you could explain to them from the get go that you struggle with feeling like you are a burden and you end up pushing people away, that way they could possible put measures in place to prevent it from occurring? Cause you certainly deserve the support @Anfran and I know that you want that support for your daughters too.

@Anfran It is a really tough headspace you are presently in. DV takes away our sense of self and any self-esteem we may once have had. Throw children into the mix and the situation becomes even more difficult ...but - you left that difficult relationship and despite things not being so good right now, you really should give yourself more credit for your courage and strength. Unfortunately for so many in a similar position as you it takes time and support to get through. I absolutely hear you about pushing people away and lack of trust. When you have endured so much, and from someone that is supposed to love and care for you, it can severely impact and question oneself. It can also take a lot of time to both work through the past and begin to move forward. As for getting to a stage with your supports that you start pushing them away - I love @Bows suggestion of letting those working with you know your patterns. They could also be a reminder to you that you need support and there are people that care about you.

Hi @Bow and @Zoe7 thanks for your support. I have told most of my support workers that I do this since discovering through therapy a few years ago that I do. I definitely have a fear of abandonment and I will blame myself for everything and for everyone abandoning/ rejecting me. Even my previous psychologist left private practice and moved to a town 4 hours away, but as soon as she told me she was leaving I cut her straight off and rejected the offer to continue working with me until she left and at first I deciding she wasn’t even leaving private practice, she just didn’t want to work with me, then when I had it confirmed by my gp she was leaving the area, I decided she was leaving private practice because of me, and that she was too much etc. she had promised me she wouldn’t leave/ reject me, so now whenever I tell a support worker that I do this and they say they won’t leave me, will work with me until I don’t need them anywhere, I will never be too much for them etc, I have already decided they’re going to leave me so I start my work to push them away. I don’t feel like I’m making sense at the moment, but everyone I come to trust, I tell about this problem/ fear I have that I will drive them away and that I’m too much for anyone/ too needy and they’ll soon realise etc and so far everyone has ended up leaving me, except my current therapist, so I really have my walls up and don’t trust anyone!!

Hey @Anfran ,

Let's just say, after reading your post, I thought you were talking about me!

We, the former 'me'. I had very similar experiences. My mind blew things out of proportion all the time. In other words, i sought out ways to doubt people. When I was told I couldn't live with someone anymore (for reasonable reasons), i saw that as a personal attack on me. I hated that person so much.

When I was getting discharged from a service, I believed they were trying to 'get rid' of me and did what I could to cut off all ties with the therapist instead.

Then, when a service did not phone or email me back, my mind told me that they were doing it on person. Hence, I also cut ties.

Ultimately, where did it leave me? Alone.

Over time, I worked through some of these thoughts and was able to find better ways of managing the hurt.

It takes time, but it's do-able.

I hear you @Anfran

@Anfran It is hard not to put all our trust with those that say they will not leave but to be honest - they should not try to guarantee that as we never know what circumstances or events may mean that may one day happen. I would personally trust more those that say they will work with you now and for long as they are able to. I understand this may mean to you that abandonment may be in your thoughts going forward but hopefully honesty from those working with you is better than the what ifs.