lotus85Senior Contributor
I want it diff, but I can't
First time posting on this forum. A brief over view of me... I have always been a doormat. My childhood at home was normal. I tended to make friends with ppl I thought were friends, but they always had a better friend that would talk sh1t about me and I would get back stabbed, then crawl back to them over and over again. In high school I was the kid that wagged and did things I shouldn't. I got with my husband at 19, fell pregnant then I was trapped. He became (or always was, I dunno) a junkie. I had to live with everything that came with that. Lying, stealing, struggling to feed my kids once he was born because he said he wasn't getting paid from centrelink for over a yr and spent it on drugs instead (and I just copped it) not coming home til God knows when or when he was home he would wake me up in the middle of the night to argue relentlessly. I was subject to a home invasion and watching ppl come in my home to kick the sh1t outa him. Now that was yrs ago and a he has been off it for a long time now. But he is at his core the same person. It's all about him, how he is hard done by. What I can do to make him happy, how I shouldn't want to go out with friends and I like them more than him if I do go out (which is rare). Now again, this is an improvement. I never used to be allowed at all. Now I just don't see the point in doing anything for me coz I get made to feel like crap about it. I feel like I have been conditioned to hate myself. Because I do, I hate myself. I don't lay all the blame on him. I put myself in that relationship and allowed myself to be treated that way. So that's on me. But lately I have been struggling with life. No reason, things r 100x better than a vast majority of my adult life and I should be content now. I have 3 healthy kids, we have a house, both have jobs. Isn't that the dream? But I hate it here. I guess now that there is no drama like in the past, and the kids r older not needing me, youngest is 11, now I have time to sit and dwell on my life, past and present. I was diagnosed with depression after my 2nd was born, over 15yrs ago. Been on meds since. Sometimes I get in my head and go off them, sometimes I go back on them. Last 12 months I have changed meds a few times coz I am sick of being told how cold hearted and neglectful I am, where most ADs mess with sex drive. ADs and depression when im off them both seem to make me not want sex. So I have been messing with diff meds to try and stop the fight and fix it. Last 3 months I have been in a black hole bigger than I've ever been in. Everything is hopeless and a waste of time. As am I. I hate feeling like this, I hate hating my life. I have started doing some online course through mindspot but it's just info. I have read info on depression for 15yrs. Logically I know what to do, but I can't actually do it, if that makes sense. I am short tempered and miserable to be around. I don't even know what I'm asking. But I hate my seemingly perfect life and I hate who I am. I want to see it all differently, but can I? Can u see a person differently when u have seen their everything, which has destroyed u over the yrs? I just don't know how.
