Need suggestions on next steps

Hello all,

it’s been a while since I posted, mostly because I’ve been an ostrich trying to bury my head instead of facing my reality. Firstly I’ve had an exceptionally difficult 6 months, I lost both of my beautiful dogs, who I loved so very much and my mum was diagnosed with cancer (she is now in remission but the emotional toll is there). I was going to therapy until about a year ago, I missed an appt and then it just became hard to go back, embarrassing that I hadn’t kept going etc. plus - it felt like therapy made me better and stronger but by relationship more difficult and with everything else I had going on well…. I guess you could say I was just coping. My relationship has always been hard, I work full time - very demanding job, I do all the cooking and cleaning, pay all the bills etc. my partner doesn’t work and hasn’t for almost all of our relationship- at the start it was all about me supporting him in his creative pursuits, but 15 years on I’m pretty done. He has had therapy before, but he’s never really stuck to it - always finds a reason for the therapist to be incompetent, or just plain stupid (his words). He’s also cruel at times (a lot of the time) and essentially blames all of his problems on me, he’s angry, hates his life with me etc, but If there is a hint of me wanting to end things he will threaten self harm. Whilst he has had some formal diagnosis through a psychiatrist it was a number of years ago. I live in the country so therapists are a bit harder to get into but I am working to find one and get in. At this point I’m fairly certain he has bpd (although no formal diagnosis) and I would never presume to tell him this, I’ve tried to get him to go back to therapy but at this point he says (and it seems believes) that I am the issue. He is constantly suggesting I am a gaslighter, narcissistic, have histrionic personality disorder, stonewall him if I don’t respond when he’s being cruel, and so on. I’ve spoken to my prior therapist about these suggestions and she met him on a few occasions and she has advised me that they are not accurate, but they are very hurtful. I guess, I’m just looking to understand how I can de escalate things when he’s in a highly emotional state. Today I said no to him and 8 hours later he’s still raging. He’s told me I make him the unhappiest person alive. I’m so tired of living constantly on eggshells. When I was in therapy I got strong enough to leave because I did not feel safe. I came back because he agreed to go to individual and couples therapy - neither of which lasted because he hated both therapists and felt the couples therapist was taking my side ( a theme - I’m a master manipulator who can make people like me ) today was just very hard. Thanks for listening. ❤️