StayOrGoSenior Contributor
I Lost Another Friend to Suicide
**Content Warning sexual abuse and suicide
These last few months have been getting difficult again, the thoughts of suicide are becoming more and more frequent but this is not in a crisis situation, just a calm contemplation of my life and how I really wish it to end.
Calm, reasonable, internal thoughts…………….
When I was 5 I was SA by a neighbour, another girl was there too, she was 4, she was my friend we went to school together, as we got a little older we spoke about what he did, over a year, can you picture two little blond girls sitting on a bench at school, eating lunch together, our legs swinging as we spoke because we were to small for them to touch the ground, eating our sandwiches and chatting about stuff that no child should ever experience.
By the time I was 7 my family had moved to another state, I thought of my friend all the time, but this was before internet and I had no idea how to find her to to say hi, see how she was doing, was she ok? I knew I wasn’t but was trying really hard to forget, anyway fast forward 40 years and after a big mental health breakdown and horrible PTSD my counsellor suggested reporting my abuse to police as a way of healing………….trust me, I now know there is no healing to be found in reporting!
What it did do is make me track down my friend after all these years, I imagined she and I could report together and support each other through the process.
I was 25 years to late, she had suicided just after her 21st birthday.
Coincidentally, I had my first suicide attempt when I was 16 , six years before she took her life………..had I looked for her then, after my attempt, she may still be here OR maybe not.
So that brings me to now. I met a friend in a survivors of SA group counseling, it is a strange connection you make with people when you find their past is so similar to your own, in one part you feel comfort knowing it is not just you on the other you want to help them to get through the trauma effect what is happening now, knowing what it feels like. We did that, we would meet for coffees, talk out how we were going, text regularly, link in on social media and watch each other , until mid last year, we had not caught up in a while, there was nothing posted on socials either.
I messaged…..no answer, I called…….no answer. I waited a week or so and I hear back. She was in the MH Unit in Hospital had restricted access to the phone. After a recovering form a suicide she was released into residential care home, we spoke a few more times then she was released, we were going to meet the following week, she was going to call.
Then stuff happened in my life and I forgot the week long passed I had not heard, I had not remembered to check in, everything gone, ph acc closed, socials closed, 3 months gone before I find she has died. SUICIDE.
Surprisingly I am really angry, not so much at her but because I am still here!
Why the hell am I still here????
