Anon1975Senior Contributor
Help Please - Identity Crisis
Hello. Can someone please help me?
I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2021, though had my first episode psychosis in 2018.
I am really hating myself at the moment. Conflict and abandonment seems to follow me everywhere.
I separated from my husband in 2017 who I believed was abusive however the lawyers told me I lacked insight and blamed my problems on everyone else but me. They blamed my exs behaviour on me. The thing is the delusions started after the separation.
My lawyers wanted to abandon me just before my divorce trial. At the time I was suffering from delusions that my children had been sexually abused by me ex and father.
My cousins and best friend no longer speak to me.
My best friend because I contacted the police on his behalf when he was charged for historical sexual abuse telling them I thought he had been set up by my father and ex husband. She told me she never wanted to speak to me again, and hasn’t. I miss her so much. But at the same time as I type this I wonder clearly what I was saying was delusional and I am wondering why she didn’t reach out to anyone that I needed help.
My cousins who I grew up with and lived with for 2 years when I was 5 because my own mother was hospitalised for schizophrenia and no longer want anything to do with me because I lashed out during the funeral when one of my cousins told me to give them space on the day when I reached out on the morning to offer strength for the day of the funeral.
I have asked my best friend and cousins for forgiveness with many heartfelt apologies more than I care to remember. The cousin that asked for her space on the day of the funeral replied to one of my apologies and told me to never contact her again.
I am now excluded from every single family function.
the thing is when schizophrenia me into that world it made me very defensive which came out as verbal aggression. I was never like that before.
But the whole experience, my ex husband, my lawyers, friend and cousins have me questioning myself and if I am the problem in my life. I am trying so hard to get better. I really am. But it feels like no one wants to know about my schizophrenia. I didn’t cause this and I don’t want it.
I wish I had a supportive family, I know this illness is hard to deal with, and I can respect their choice. But I do miss them and it’s not easy losing everyone especially your family and people you once considered as your sisters.
I am sitting here reflecting on my behaviour that I am trying to unlearn, am I am attention seeker for lashing out, asking for forgiveness, am I narcissist? Do I have bpd?
and I am not doing this for attention because all the abandonment and lack of forgiveness really leaves you feeling suicidal at times…..which you start wondering in your head are you only saying that because you are a narcissist or have BPD?
I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I really do. And I am so sorry that I am the way that I am, that everyone leaves. I miss my best friend and family so much.
