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Unknown userMember
I've got a problem where I fire off vitriolic and abusive emails to people from my past. I've had a number of traumas over my life and some people have really hurt me. I will track them down and then send them a very angry message. I then regret this because it comes back on me. I could end up in court one day for harrassment. I don't know how to stop doing this 😞
In response to: Vitriolic emails
Kyle1Senior Contributor
Yes you could end up getting yourself into trouble that way...
What if you try this, instead: write down your thoughts on paper. Express yourself fully. Then burn it and release the anger that way? ...
@Former-Member
In response to: Vitriolic emails
FlotsamSenior Contributor
@Former-Member
It is good to get all those thoughts out, but, yeah, not wise to send them. I am guilty of that as well, but I made a fake account and was careful that I just talked about what they did, not threatening or abusive.
What I used to do was the old school way, write it down on paper, get everything out as disgusting as I wanted. Then I would rip it into tiny pieces, or burn it, wishing them ill as I did it. I even put a hex on someone and it worked! I still do this, getting it all out in my journal, but I always obliterate it so it is not able to be read.
It doesn’t matter if they know, or care about what happened and you don’t have to forgive them to be able to heal.
In response to: Vitriolic emails
AggieSenior Contributor
@Former-Member I know how distressing this is I use to experience this behaviour and I remember the guilt and shame that would follow after, and well done for reaching out and wanting support and well done for acknowledging your behaviour it takes a very strong person to do this you should be proud of yourself I am proud of you.
I did a therapy called acceptance commitment therapy and for me it really helped I did something called the wise choice program it went for 2 1/2 years in a group setting and one on one each week and I cannot believe I atomically pause between my reaction when I finished that course and I still do without thinking today is a really great books about excepting prescription and therapy the reality slap & the happiness trap ‘s and also Brené Brown specialises in this therapy and I remember that we use a lot of her content in the program for Ted talk so really good there’s one on vulnerability and there’s one on shame I hope this helps x
In response to: Re: Vitriolic emails
tymeModerator
Wow @Aggie !!! Everything you are talking about totally fits with my experiences! The Happiness Trap was a huge eye-opener for me, as well as Brene Brown and ACT! I also committed to nearly 2 years of Mentalisation Based Therapy and I can't believe how much I have changed!!!
Thank you soooo much for sharing!
In response to: Re: Vitriolic emails
AggieSenior Contributor
@tyme that’s okay and wow I can’t believe I’ve come aross somebody else that has benefited so much off act therapy it changed my life I still to this day cannot believe it & Brene brown is so wonderful & and so is the creator of act Russ Harris who wrote those books I reckon everybody should do this course in life, and I haven’t heard of herd metallisation base therapy I’ll have google i’ve completed internal family Systems therapy that’s been open for me as well and I’ve also done almost 2 year Emdr, I am happy to share what’s helped me get through life
In response to: Re: Vitriolic emails
tymeModerator
Likewise! @Aggie .
When I was very unwell and couldn't focus on too much reading, I have Russ Harris' youtube clips very easy to understanding. e.g. Struggle Switch, Anxiety etc. So so incredibly helpful!
I also read a lot of Brene Brown's books. Very powerful stuff. It really empowers individuals to make a difference to their own lives.
With Mentalisation Based Therapy, I had individual and group sessions. Groups sessions were the hardest, yet also the most beneficial. Then the individual therapy was to follow up on group therapy as well as debrief.
I honestly, to this day, don't know how my brain changed... but it certainly has!
In response to: Re: Vitriolic emails
AggieSenior Contributor
@tyme That was very much similar to the same setting I did with the wise choice program
And I’m in complete disbelief on how my brain changed
but I sense that you have the same emotions about that is what I do it’s hard to explain it’s like a Getty happy proud accomplished feeling lol
In response to: Vitriolic emails
Nic412New Contributor
Hi Olivia (and everyone) 🙂
I have trouble with this as well but I am more reactive in the moment when I feel triggered. I am having trouble this even today where I am being treated unfairly and bullied at work. I have talked with my therapist about my reactive emails as sometimes it is almost uncontrollable if I am triggered. Sometimes it is like an itch that I try but just can not scratch if I don't express my feelings. She has given me tools but has said to be kind on myself when I fail because it is the trauma not a reflection of me as a person.
Some tools that are commonly suggested will be to take 24hours or write it down in a diary but that does not work for me most of the time. I try the 24hours thing but often end-up composing an email 3-4hours later. It is the act of sending and having people hear my voice that settles the trigger.
My trauma (probably like yours) is having people manipulate, bully and neglect me and my voice so my coping mechanism is to set boundaries and correct people right from the start before it gets out of control and becomes the norm for someone. Whilst I don't usually regret what I say, it does cause me problems because I have to own the problems it can cause. It is a waste of my energy and makes me an angry person.
My advice from someone who gets triggered in a similar way:
(1) Recognise the trigger is coming, and warning signs, and what is actually the behind what is driving you. This is so you can be kind to yourself before it gets out of control and the point of no return where you can't control contacting people.
(2) I think its ok and even healing to share with people from your past the trauma that they have caused. You should though put time and effort into wording it logically, keeping to the facts, expressing your feelings about peoples behaviour rather than accusing people of things (even if they are responsible). Make it a statement that they have little ability to respond to. Make it one and done and ignore any of their responses.
(3) Try to recognise that holding anger towards people and rehashing it with people probably causes you more pain than its worth. I find that when I snap or argue with people, it achieves not much because its usually people have no insight or willingness to change. What happens for me is that I see red, even more angry when people argue back, and it takes hours even days or weeks for me to come down from the anger. It is for us that we try to let things go and stop giving energy to people who don't deserve it.
These are all easier said then done! Whilst I have successfully used these strategies at times, sometimes I fall off the wagon as well. This is me at the moment! Its constant work to manage trauma and it's hard.
I hope that these are some ideas to try from my experience. Keep working at it. ❤️
In response to: Re: Vitriolic emails
OaktreeSenior Contributor
Wow I relate so much to this thread. When I get upset (particularly with my psych) I write emails and send them. It gets me in so much trouble. In fact it ended my sessions. I just can’t seem to help myself. I got told not to send emails at all but I still did. I am doing the acceptance, commitment therapy next term. Maybe that will be helpful. @Former-Member
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
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