I'm a failure

I fail at everything.

I am just so confused and I apologise for being pathetic as I know there are so many others with much bigger problems than me.

My head is all over the place and I feel so alone. All I ever wanted was to be loved and to be able to give my love and care for someone. But I have managed to ruin it again.

1st was my son's dad..who drank but became a heavy drinker and alcoholic....I packed up my boys and left. I used to sit in the hall between there rooms just incase he wanted to hurt them..(I had dodged a punch). He'd go off on benders and not come back in the end he'd stay away for days.

2nd was about 8yrs later I thought I found my partner...but after a cpl of years his behaviour changed..he was using meth and a public servant. It was a night mare the paranoia that came with it...again I didn't sleep and scared he would hurt the family. One day the drug suad came, street blocked and house searched. I tried to get away, but he emptied the bank account. I found a hovel of a place to move us to.

In the meantime my dad was dying my depression was so bad and anxiety was slowing eating away at me.

Along came a man 3yrs later and he was it...I saw forever and even thought of marriage...but over the years there was always something wrong with me...and it was always pointed out. we became distant over the last year. He was so involved with the women at work...they needed him. And one in particular cottoned onto him. He didn't see what she was doing and he'd run after her. We started fighting and I became so nasty...he began working late..staying overnight, just leaving and I didn't know where or what he was doing.

He kept sleeping at a friend's house. In the end I said I had enough. He is now so angry with me. He doesn't understand how disrespectful his actions were. Then I find out he is living with the female he was running after. I packed all his stuff up...put it in carport, then unpack it, then pack it again (throwing up because I feel awful)

I blame myself for everything, for failing, for being pathetic, I over think every little detail.

One msg he says he never gave up hope for us, then the next I'm a nasty piece of work....and just because he is living with her doesn't mean they're together. Yet they are.

There were so many lies...things just didn't add up.

I feel.so.stupid

No one has ever stayed...no one has ever fought for me,

I have burdened my friends with my tears and whining. I try to find help but there's nowhere. I never stopped loving him...but there's no hope anymore...esp.after I sent a msg telling him he should never have allowed her to come into our relationship like he did. He is a fixer and as I become better he didn't like it, kept saying I didn't need him. She always was needing him and he would go because she is a friend...

I said he is with her because she is needy and will play the part for as long as she can.

I got a msg back saying "she doesn't need fixing"...he defends her.

I feel so guilty, heartbroken, pathetic, I can't sleep..I'm so exhausted. My anxiety was bad today I couldn't stop pacing..I was agitated and I smashed my head into the wall. It was like I deserved it...because I had caused everything to fail.

People talk about ..now you can heal.... how. It doesn't make sense to me. I will never be without a burden or feelings of guilt and failure.