Weighed Down

hey @kato

Well done for blurting on the virtual page. I really hardly know where to start, I'm rather an emotional pancake myself at the moment.

I hope it's helped ease the burden somewhat, even for a little while. It's good you've got an appointment with your psych tomorrow.

I hear your grief and distress about what you see as the loss of so many years. They are gone, yet they are not lost - you have survived them and with feeling suicidal every day that's incredible. In myriad ways those years are informing who you are becoming now - the good choices and the "bad". We are designed to learn most from our mistakes, and even the mistakes of others when we are impacted by them.

You'll probably want to kick me for saying this - today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. I don't want to minimise in any way how much you are suffering with this. I've been through similar territory myself many times. It does get easier over time. This too will pass, but I'm not going to lie and say quickly - the reality is I don't know.

Hopefully having a bit more clarity about what you may be dealing with will help you in getting an "official" diagnosis. Its a very painful place to be -wanting an answer and yet hoping to be wrong.

One of the things that we learned in the TACT course I did with ECASA last year was really helpful. It was a way of getting through such intense feelings, helping to allow them to pass through without being quite so devastating. Imagine the sky, and how the sun shines down. Now imagine that there is a huge terrifying storm with thunder, lightning, hail and torrential rain. Above the storm the sun is there and the sky is still blue. You are the sun and the weather is your feelings. They will pass in time, and you may feel pretty wrecked afterwards but you will endure.

Kind regards,

Kristin

Yeah! What they said! 🙂

We're here @kato

Hi @kato,

Quitting D&A can feel like you're stripping away a mat that once hid and musked everything that you swept underneath it. For many people, this can stir up a lot emotions, and thoughts that you may not have seen for quite sometime. This added with MI can be particularly intense. There's a lot of stuff going on for you.

You're going through some massive changes at the moment. It's not only a just matter of stopping drugs and living living with your folks, but a lifestyle change too - and this is not easy for most people, particularly if you have lived a certain way for 17 years.

This is a long time of behaving a certain way versus two months of learning something new. It's kind of like saying, now trying writing with your opposite hand. Not that I want to minimise what you're going through. What I'm trying to say, is that it's normal to feel like it's a struggle. Sometimes you'll feel like you're cruising, other day's will feel a battle. As Sandy and Kristin mentioned, it all passes, and washes away.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us so honestly, Kato.

CB

Hey @kato ,

I hope you are travelling a bit more gently, & that your psych appointment yesterday was helpful.

I just found these on the Black Dog Institute site, & thought they might be of interest...

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/Self-testingforbipolardisorder.

BTW this was me: "People usually present for help when depressed and then – in discussing symptoms with the health practitioner – commonly focus on the current depression rather than
on the longitudinal pattern of ‘mood swings’ " (for decades I thought manic =ed normal/well!)

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/healthprofessionals/bipolardisorder/diagnosingbipolardisorder/whentosuspectbipolardisorder.cfm

This bit really struck me: "Drug and alcohol misuse (around 40% of patients with bipolar disorder) and abuse is common. Often these substances are taken initially as an attempt at 'self-medication' but can lead to physical and psychological dependence. Clearly excessive use of alcohol and illicit substances can produce mood symptoms in themselves but the risk of normalising these symptoms as only being part of the dependency problem will lead to a misdiagnosis and a missed opportunity for treatment. Concurrent anxiety disorders (social phobia, panic disorder, generalised anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder) are also very common, occurring in around 50% of people with the illness."

Take care.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

Haha, so i been down, like really down the last maybe 5 days.... not too sure how long but,

Went to bed late, woke early feeling Energised - warning sign for mania

Yee Haa gonna be a good day, i may not have achieved too much actually nothing really, but played my computer game that i had lost interest in, so that's good, feeling like i can tackle tomorrow now - warning sign for mania.

meetings meetings meetings, different things, financial counsellor, - almost cancelled that all together yesterday,

called to confirm new psychiatrist recieved my referal letter - good thing cos they had wrong contact details for me. New psychiatrist in the new year.

And i am going to do a few hours work at my dad's work for some cash. So funny how things change for me over the course of a few days, not too sure if it is meant to, but who cares, Motivation is a good feeling. - another warning sign for mania.

When i feel like this i understand that it is me getting manic, so i make sure i am extra aware of my thoughts and actions, to realize the symptoms and signs of a turn in mood. i have written this to help show others what i expierence when i feel myself start getting mania, maybe it will help someone identify there warning signs as well.

so one thing that has changed, my wife and i have decided that we can't go back to the way we were, and that we are not going to reconcile, it was agreed upon via text message, she told me her thoughts which were similar to mine, and i feel good about the choice, i know it has hit me once already and i was extremely upset, and i know that i will keep having these moments of grief from time to time, but i actually feel good inside about it.

It doesn't make sense why, except it is like another weight being taken off my shoulders, i now know i am on this journey for me and me alone.

Why does mania make everything feel like it's going to be ok??? I know it shouldn't, it shouldn't change how i feel about a situation but it does, i think maybe others can identify.

Realization - using drugs would give me a similar feeling, but not in a good way, i am happily clean. i know that this is happening, and i am keeping tabs on my thoughts and my mood, when i start feeling like this i know it can affect my judgement, and i remind myself to re-think my thoughts, does that sound logical, does that make sense? if you did that what would happen/could happen?

i then practice my deep breathing relaxation methods, focusing on drawing in the positive exhaling the negative, but i remind myself as well to make sure i am being realistic with my thought patterns.

I know this a bit jumbled random but maybe someone can see some sense in it and possibly maybe identify what they feel or think when similar expierence happens??

I am not saying anyone will be the same but maybe similar expierence?

i am looking forward to my psychologist appointment this week, it is on thursday so i will have a good chat with her regarding everything LOL

I find it amusing how open i find myself being when i write, i believe because of the anonymity of the forum i am comfortable disclosing details about myself,

However i do thank everyone for allowing me to have this anonymity, i respect everyone's choices, the same way that my choices are respected also, i do hope in the future to be comfortable enough to let you all know my real name, but for now..... i am still learning about myself

Respect to everyone here

Thank you

Howdy Kato

Aint life just a pip?

The meds cover a multitude of sins but never quite enough. I had a good day once/ Sure I did. Must have.

Can't always be like this.

In all seriousness now can I ask you question?

Well you did'nt say no so..................

Do you ever access support services?

Do you have any contacts for srvices who could visit you?

If'n you want I pass along some names of places/ I use A service

Neami. I have a support worker who can't make it all go away but can listen to me when I cry about it.

Strangely it does seem to help.

Partners in Recovery are a good bunch. They work with MI folk and fund alot of programs that do the same.

I'm just saying because when the monster is walking round the room sometimes we need reminding that there's more than just monsters in our world

I do believe

Hope endures

Rick

Hey Rick,

Yeah life is an interesting saga, one that never ceases to surprise me...

Good days are few and far between, yet sometimes on a bad day i can see the good, not often but sometimes,

a question not asked is an answer not given,

I have been asked this particular question a few times by diffeent members of the forum, i have not accessed any support services as yet, my reason: i don't actually understand the health system to even figure out what services are available to me.... also on top of that i have a lot of issues with trust and groups of people i don't know,

in the past couple of years i saw a holistic counsellor, and through him did a group course, it was very confronting for me personally, as it broached many issues of mine, i went every day of the course over a few months i think it was about 8 sessions, by the eigth session i was comfortable enough to give my input into the course like the others had done almost from day one...

My issues with myself stem quite deeply with a massive amount of guilt, self hatred, anger, fear and anxiety for being judged, i am very reserved naturally, quiet almost shy, i sit back and observe from others, i do not have that ability in me to be open about everything i have done and been through to anyone at the moment, i am only just starting to open up to my psychologist parts of me...

and as open as i am on this forum, there are still parts of my story that will never grace the pages of here, it is a part of me that is lost in memory but i have knowledge on what i have done through other sources and it is something that is going to take me along long time to be able to explore and heal.

will i in the future be able to comfortably seek out extra assistance, yes will it be easy - No

some things shall remain my knowledge only until i am capable of knowing how to better deal with it, i appreciate everyone's inputs tho, and seeing as i do not understand how to access certain services does not mean i don't want to, it just means i have a journey to take before i can start.

My one issue is because i don't have a diagnosis, most services seem to be for people with a severe illness, i have not been informed if my illness is severe or even exactly what my condion is, makes it difficult to explain to these services that i might need help in my opinion.

Example: i called the Cat team a couple of months ago when alot of shit was happening, crying asking no i was begging the operater for help, but because i couldn't answer his question i didn't get help

his question: what do you need help with?

me: i don't know i am crying i am in trouble i believe i am already on your books?

him: yes you are, but what do you need help with?

me: i don't know, are you saying your not going to help me?

him: well i can't if you don't tell me what you need help for!

Me: i finally get the courage to call the catt people and your saying you can'y help me?

him: are you safe?

me: nevermind, and hang up the phone.....

If i can finally build up the courage to ring the people who are meant to help in a crisis but they can't help me, i don't think services for people with severe MI are going to accept me.

my psychiatrist has apparently sent letters to community groups requesting services for me.... no response to me.

I am not ready it seems to be able to access possible services, in the future i hope to be able to.

I know i went off on a tangent and apologise,

if you made it this far thank you

Kato

Wow what a bucket you gotta carry.

I totally dig the whole catt team thing. Those guys tell us to call if'n we need help but really they are just an acute assessment team.

It took me awhile to figure out who I could call.

The teamat Beyond Blue are very good. 1300 224636

I don't know what gender you are but if you are male The Men's Line is good too, 1300789978

The beauty of these services are you don't have to give a name. You can tell them anything because you'll never have to meet them.

They too are able to recommend services.

On the subject

You don't need a diagnosis to access them. They will let you tell them what's going down and you decide what their role can be.

I'm not into group stuff, myself. Just shites me to tears. I don't want a bunch of other people sitting around waiting for their turn to talk.

it's good for some

not me

The problem most of us have is we feel isolated. Then by golly we isolate ourselves cos we feel that way. It's a vicious cycle.

But keep the those ph numbers.

If you'll call the catt tean when you are in crisis

well why not call a line where they'll actually listen to you and they will get that you might be confused about what you want. They just listen.

Remember

Hope endures

Rick